Boomm

Possess fabrics

2007-12-20T15:46:00.000-03:00

A Singapore man was sentenced to a day in jail and a $7,500 fine for wearing a bikini on an elevator. I'm pretty sure they'd have cut him some slack had it been a beach.

He admitted to the charges of "outraging the modesty" of the woman he shared the elevator with, and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear". I'd add he outraged the aesthetic integrity of the poor lady. Also, "fraudulent possession of underwear"? What is that, like thong piracy? Is Victoria's Secret getting all MPAA on Singapore?

A search of the man's apartment (they're searching his apartment, this is priceless) turned up more underwear and some obscene films. I'm thinking something like Fantastic Four and anything with Sandra Bullock in the lead.

His lawyer argued he'd been badly affected by his parents' divorce. Ok, let me get this straight, Singapore. We don't mind disgracing the sanctity of marriage with divorce, but god forbid any modesty is outraged and men possess fabrics in the shape of panties? Now I'm gonna argue I'm being badly affected by a completely incoherent policy towards stupid and irrelevant issues. Then again, I've been doing that on this blog for the last two years...

Boomm. Was it good for you?

Some changes

2007-12-20T15:24:00.000-03:00

I want to have a little chat with the editor of my life, and talk about some changes...

Boomm. I'm not phoning it in, promise.

Beaten by his wife

2007-12-18T15:21:00.000-03:00

A few eight graders thought it'd be fun to imitate an MTV prank, and feed their classmates laxative laced doughnuts. Some had to be sent to the hospital for treatment.

This is more evidence in favor of my theory that states Ashton Kutcher is a piece of shit.

It also has inspired yet another thought I'd like to toss out there, and perhaps the people who get paid to administrate all matters educational will pay a little attention. How about, before teaching kids about imaginary numbers and crappy connections between law and ethics, we get them first to understand that it's not cool to poison people for fun? I'm just saying.

Somebody's been getting extra credits. A school was billed for $250 worth of porn that was ordered via a cable box after hours. That's like one movie a day for the whole month.

The cable company withdrew the charges, because it was feeling generous or something. So, students, what lesson have we learned? Porn is free when you order from a school TV set.

Oh, and don't poison people.

An Arab man lost a bit of his nose after being attacked by his two wives. Now, don't start thinking it was because the secret of his bigamy had been revealed. Over there everybody's got a few wives, You know, to get a better place in heaven or something. They attacked him because he made a joke about marrying a third woman.

Just confirming, I'm planning to stay single forever. I mean, come on. There's one of these every freaking day.

At least if they end up killing him, he'll get 72 virgins on the other side. Then again, if he couldn't handle just a couple... Wait, they're telling me the virgins are for martyrs and martyrs only. Well let me tell you, being an abused husband times two counts as martyrdom in my book.

Over here, if a man is beaten by his wife, we mock him over drinks. Does that mean in the Middle East he gets stoned to death or something?

Boomm. If this were the last blog on Earth, I'd take better care of it.

Proud PETA

2007-12-14T15:38:00.000-03:00

PETA would be proud. Trout from a fish farm have been jumping 3 feet from the water, into a pipe that leads to sweet sweet freedom. Of course, once they're free, they're likely to be eaten by just about anything. However, since they were prisoners in a pond without much protection to begin with, it's better to die swimming upstream than to die... trapped in a little pond.

Let's face it, if they were able to, trout would keep us prisoners in dangerous environments just so they could eat us from time to time. But would we jump the equivalent of more than double twice our size, to reach a pipe? Probably not. Probably not.

Cats are pretty smug. When people end up with snakes tied around their necks by accident, they have a tendency to freak out. Cats just walk around looking bored. This exact situation happened in Australia, where a cat named Jelly wandered around the yard and was not too emotional after becoming a snake's version of a public transportation system.

The cat seemed fine at first, but after one day she was found paralyzed and rushed to the vet. Where she's now being treated with some very expensive anti-venom and is expected to make a full recovery. Why the article mentions the anti-venom is expensive? Well, because they're using it on a cat. Next time something bites me, I bet that expensive anti-venom is gonna be all gone, or be even more expensive. Thanks a lot, Jelly.

If you're a 19 year old guy with a bad driving record, you'll have to pay over $100,000 a year for insurance. This is Janson Towers's situation at the moment, and he's likely to ride a bike before he pays, or even affords, that much. In the few years he's had his license, it's been suspended twice, he's received multiple speeding tickets, and been involved in three crashes.

His family is not happy about this. Every pedestrian on the street is celebrating with champagne and caviar. Maybe some trout?

Boomm. I'm sure I turned it off...

Boomm(erchandising)

2007-12-12T13:30:00.000-03:00

Baby's first snide remark.

Boomm. Baby's first acronym.

Don't knock it

2007-12-10T15:20:00.000-03:00

Who said Germans were a disciplined bunch? A hairdresser found the top-secret plans for an important bank's safety vault in a trash bin. What the hell he was doing going through the trash, that's another question.

Just to keep the balance of the universe, since top secret information was in the trash, shouldn't we put some used bubble gum wrapper in a locked box or something? I don't want any philosophical notions to implode.

Also, next time you see me knee deep in somebody else's garbage, don't knock it.

The bank doesn't know how the plans made it out, but they believe it's impossible the vault be broken into. They believe in Santa Claus too. I'm just saying.

A man was arrested after being discovered by the police inside a store's bathroom with a $700 fishing reel stuffed in his pants.

The police were called because a couple individuals were looking pretty suspicious. After the reel incident, drug paraphernalia was found in their car, and they were charged with possession of those very illegal and horrible, horrible items that allow people to "have a good time" and corrupt the young.

The guy with the reel was also charged with theft. Now tell me, how is it theft to have a fishing reel inside the store? Huh? Ok, sure, it was in his pants, but he never made it out. It's at worst assault against an inanimate object. Give the reel loving men a break already. They just want to find happiness in a sad little world.

Boomm. Every time a bell rings, I get a headache.

I'm still alive

2007-12-02T21:48:00.000-03:00

The Elvis is Alive Museum has been sold. For $8,000 dollars. The exhibition includes photographs, books, FBI files, DNA reports and other stuff that suggests Elvis Presley never died. It's like a cheaper Catholic church with a better soundtrack.

Just in case you were wondering, I'm still alive for sure, and no, no museums yet. Still waiting on that one. Yeah. Maybe soon, I don't know... any volunteers? Really, don't be shy. Come on. Build me a little something.

The Writers Guild of America, which has been on strike for almost a month, agreed not to picket the location where Elizabeth Taylor was holding a benefit for her aids foundation. She supports the guild, and didn't want to cross the picket line, so it was lowered in her honor.

You know what this means: support the writers or you're getting aids.

I've just been informed that's not how these things work.

Boomm. Gettin' ready for the holiday season.

All those gorillas

2007-12-02T19:32:00.000-03:00

A pair of reintroduced gorillas have given birth to a baby in Gabon. Gabon is a whole country in Africa, populated by 1.5 million people who make up about 90% of humanity aware there is a country named Gabon. These two new parent gorillas were orphans, whose family was killed by hunters. They were rescued by a wildlife conservation group.

So, long story short, things are looking good for gorillas increasing their number. And gorilla sandwiches should be getting cheaper by the minute. Yum.

Apparently, a lot of people believe gorillas shouldn't have to spend their lives in a zoo if it's possible for them to go about their business freely in the wild. I've been in the wild for twenty years. Who do I talk to about getting a spot in a comfortable little zoo? I mean, with all those gorillas gone, there must be some space and budget they can throw my way, right?

Chinese police will no longer arrest women for carrying condoms. What, you didn't know they did that? Neither did I, but it sure explains why they have overpopulation issues.

Condoms have always been viewed as evidence that the women carrying them practice the ancient business of prostitution. In China. A country that would ban pencils if anybody pointed out their phallic connotations. But since a bunch of people have been getting aids, the powers that be decided it's cool to have condoms. Or at least cool enough that you won't get arrested for having them. Much like pencils.

Now we can be relieved then: police around China have stopped using condoms as evidence. Whether they're using them as balloons or coing bags or whatever is a whole other story. And I'm not gonna investigate.

Also, in case you were wondering, Chinese police have the power to sentence suspects to two years in labour camps for minor offenses. And that's pretty much why everything plastic is made in China. Probably by prostitutes. Wait, I think I just got a bit confused...

Boomm. Remember, gorilla meat goes well with red wine.

In front of the cops

2007-12-02T17:20:00.000-03:00

For some people, the perfect time to send in a guy to rob their uncle is while the 72 year old man is putting up his Christmas decorations. Of course, this happens in New York. Mostly. Yet like many other elderly heroes before him, the uncle fought off his robber with sheer will and a couple well placed punches after the criminal demanded money and jewelry while tearing down the decorations.

In a completely irrelevant, but rather symbolic statement, the detective in charge said "Jesus, Mary and the wise men all fell to the ground". According to the forensic unit, Joseph was left standing because he was a badass.

A couple of teenagers robbed a Pizza Hut at knife point and run away. While one was picked up by police, the other decided, after having watched too much television, that it'd be a good idea to hide in a large trash container. Unfortunately, she was scooped up by the garbage truck, right in front of the cops.

Speaking of clichés, I sure hope nobody said anything like "that's one way to take out the trash". Because, come on, we can do better than that.

One very annoying psychologist commented that the teenage girl's choice of hiding spot spoke of a widespread self esteem problem among young women in the world.

Boomm. Not a WGA member.

May not pay

2007-11-25T22:03:00.000-03:00

I know it's been like a month since I last posted anything here, and I won't ignore the fact. This is not a cartoon, we can't just go on with our lives as if there'd been no interruptions, no changes, no writer's strike, no writer's block... yeah, that was the case. I was out of jokes. Mocking felt like a waste of time and energy. Fortunately, that's all gone now. What's true, however, is that my time is administered in such a way that I've decided to update only once a week. With a huge post. Just check it out below. It's like Ron Jeremy big. Yeah, baby. See you next week, people.

Cosmologists (aka: very specialized kind of scientists that study the whole freaking universe) believe that, if quantum theory is correct, we're shortening the lifespan of the universe simply by having been observing it. I won't go into quantum details because I still haven't even learned to ride a bycicle, but from what I could gather, the whole thing is a mix of "forbidden apple" meets "watched kettle never boils" meets "Schrodinger's zombie cat". If you got the zombie cat reference, you're my new best friend.

I'm officially nominating this for Most Arrogant Scientific Theory of the Year. I think it's eligible for the 2008 awards. Unless there's a scientific strike, of course.

This doesn't mean we can stop going on and on about global warming just because the whole universe is in peril now for a different, if hypothetical reason. After all, that heat's been making some real money lately. Even I'm thinking about cashing in selling some mini ovens shaped like the Earth.

Oh, and they've been measuring some other stuff. Seems that the universe has lost about one fifth of its entire mass. Tabloids are already speculating about eating disorders and drug addiction.

There's a town called Hell in Michigan. Not enough? A couple who lives there won the lottery. On Halloween.

Crime may not pay, but evil sure does.

Passengers and staff aboard a sinking cruise ship in the Antarctic were rescued from their lifeboats successfully. Apparently an "object" struck the ship's hull and then it all went to hell. Not the one in Michigan.

According to a British woman who was among the unfortunate, everybody was calm, and the captain kept them informed and comfortable. Yet some people still thought they were done for, and did crazy life altering things they'll probably regret: a man proposed to his girlfriend while on the lifeboat. Just imagine, getting through that ordeal alive only to have to get yourself a new identity once home to avoid the lady... such a shame.

A judge rejected an attempt by Wal Mart to block public access to certain court documents in a tax dispute. It was argued there is a public interest in mantaining those documents accessible to the public.

Ok, let's hear it. Public, are we interested in getting access to Wal Mart's tax related documents? Come on, who wants to go over the numbers? Question some deductions, come on, it'll be fun. No? Nobody, really? Yeah, the people have spoken. Or not so much.

In contrast, while we get to review Wal Mart's taxes at our leisure, we're not allowed even a glance of secret military technology. How's that fair? More importantly, how's that even remotely entertaining?

I could swear something exactly like this has already happened. I'm also too lazy to make any sort of pertinent search to back my claims. Anyway, a German thief who had stolen a car returned it when he realized there was a baby asleep in it. The father had made a quick stop at the bank, leaving the keys in the ignition and the mini-person all alone.

The latest in vehicle security: annoying children! Just keep a baby in your car round the clock and no self respecting criminal will want to deal with the troubles presented by disposing of a kid. It's just bad business. This is a million dollar idea. And we have babies to spare!

The US government... god, this is too much. Ok, the government is advising people to hide their old prescription drugs in pet droppings or used coffee grounds. That way they won't be abused by addicts. Seems to me we'll only get filthier addicts, but what do I know, I'm just some random guy.

Of course, the more dangerous drugs are to be flushed down the toilet. But environmentalists are worried about the effetcs on fish and amphibians. Apparently, the fish can take our crap, just not our drugs. Cause that's not healthy. We don't want a bunch of high dolphins, they set a bad example. Publicity crisis, anybody? The Japanese would sharpen their spears and look like the good guys. The horror.

The irony? The government must be on some serious drugs to come up with this stuff.

BOOMM RECOMMENDS:

The Cow Hide Rug.

As you may know, cows are nature's rugs. No? You didn't know that? Well then, prepare to be amazed by the sheer beauty, comfort, softness and stylish presence of the Cow Hide Rug. There's nothing less classy than an uncovered piece of floor. Be it wood, linoleum, marble or whatever else floors these days are made of, they're like your home's external genitalia: it is necessary to shield them from the casual observer, or people may be offended. Or worse, aroused.

What makes these Cow Hide Rugs so special, you may ask. Why shouldn't I just go out there, slaughter myself any cow I can find from the many eligible specimens in the streets, and make my own rug, save me a few dollars in the process. I'll tell you why. These particular rugs come from particular cows that hail from a particular place in the Southern Hemisphere of this our world: that place is a magical land of farmers and tango dancers I like to call "Argentina". It also happens to be my location of current residence, and former birth. And I can assure you, our cows make the best damn rugs the world has ever seen. Or felt. Really. They're like carpet cows. By the way, our horses also make some fine curtains. Just throwing that in the hat, seeing if somebody pulls it out.

The amazing thing is, these rugs are not just rugs. They have the power to make or break a room. Scientific polls conducted by scientists (while they're not predicting the end of the world/universe) have indicated Cow Hide Rugs play a definite role in the perception of an environment. Women are more likely to have sex on them than on bare floors, businessmen make higher offers in their presence, assassins are easily distracted by them and sometimes trip over them exposing themselves, and vegetarians are easy to spot and throw out by their expression of disgust in their sight.

In other words, it's pretty obvious by now that a room without a Cow Hide Rug, is a room in serious problems. A room who would attempt suicide were it alive. You don't want that for your rooms, do you? Then get your Cow Hide Rug today!

Boomm. True premise + true premise = funny conclusion.

Sex offender

2007-10-29T13:45:00.001-03:00

A man (pictured) was caught having sex with a bicyle.

The question on everybody's mind: how?

He's been registered as a sex offender, so vehicles in the area can now feel safer.

Boomm. Zero inspiration.

Boomm(erchandising)

2007-10-27T13:00:00.001-03:00

That's what happens when you have broadband during childhood.

Boomm. I need to measure my temper, just in case it's short.

My thoughts

2007-10-26T14:10:00.000-03:00

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. I need better thoughts.

Food fight

2007-10-24T14:39:00.001-03:00

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

Demetri Martin.

The Egg's Q & A

2007-10-21T16:12:00.000-03:00

What kind of breakfast food gives you lots of energy?

Gas.

How do I put my Facebook info on my MySpace page?

Huh? Why don't you try going out a bit, getting some fresh air, maybe meeting people in person, whom you know are flesh and blood? I recommend that instead of trying to double your presence in "social networking" sites, you completely remove it and try interacting with somebody in real time, live, in full color and the same space. Or better yet, if you're going to be a hermit, be one fully. No contact with the outside world. After all, you must be secluded because of past disappointments, you better make sure you don't experience any more. And spare us your immediate presence.

How should I prepare for NTSE along with my school studies?

Oh, the very famous National Talent Search Exam. Yeah... that when you search the acronym on Google, the page asks if you got the spelling right. It looks very important. From what I understand, you just have to make sure you're Indian (discrimination!) and be able to fill out little circles, because it's multiple choice. I personally advice you pick any answer, but ones that never make out a drawing on the paper, that's usually not right. I wish you luck, and may your next exam be more prestigious and not so racist.

Should I get Invisalign?

Today everything must be googled. I mean, my complete and absolute wisdom on any subject renders encyclopedias obsolete. Yes, that. Much better. Ok, Invisalign is some sort of transparent retainer that is on occasion either more or less pathetic than a metal one. When you can't tell an adult has an Invisalign on, it's all good. When you do tell, and that's quite often, it's very sad that on top of having to wear braces, they're such suckers to believe that they can hide the fact. In other words, if you have crooked teeth, I'd rather you wear one of those retainers they have to put on you with a metal helmet that cages your whole head. That way I can mock more explicitly.

What works for a great inexpensive Halloween costume?

If you're a young, attractive woman, of course your best option is going naked and saying you're disguised as a nudist. However, if you don't meet those requirements, there's a variety of alternatives that may be useful.

Anyway, the most comfortable thing is to change some detail of your appearance. For example, last year I put on a pair of glasses, and went to a party dressed up as "Nearsighted Egg". This year I'm planning on wearing a watch, and going as "Punctual Egg". Which may be contradictory, because I think I'm gonna be late.

The Egg.

Expand his work

2007-10-19T12:15:00.000-03:00

There once was an avenue known for being a good place to crash if one was temporarily without lodging. In other words, a block where the homeless could sleep without anybody bothering them, with shelters and charitable organizations on each corner, and even police present to look after them. But recently they kicked out the almost one hundred people that were staying there, and to add insult to injury, they threw out all these people's belongings to the trash. They shoveled their stuff out, to save some time.

The chief of police said he didn't know what the officers were going to do. The same way I don't know what the next sentence I'll write right now is going to be, like for example: "bull dung!" Yeah, just a couple words can be a sentence, check your school books, I'm not lying.

The mentality behind this deed, is moving the homeless from one place to another. Because if they stayed put in tents or anything they wouldn't be homeless. Which would solve a national problem. But, uhm, that's not good, is it? Of course, it's best to kick them out and have them gather somewhere else. And then get kicked out of there, and gather somewhere else. And then... What was the definition of insanity that had to do with repeating the same stuff expecting different results? Right, that one.

George Lucas, also known as one of the men who least deserve what they have in the history of the universe, is planning to expand his work on the Star Wars franchise, with a live action series made for television.

I propose they save us the misery of another trite story, and give the guy a machine to print his own money. Just cut to the chase, please.

Boomm. The call is coming from inside the house... what a waste.

Causing serious burns

2007-10-18T11:36:00.000-03:00

If the American government gets what it wants (except for total world domination, of course), airlines will have to send in final lists of passengers for every flight 72 hours before take off. So they can get permission. For each passenger. From the little old lady that smokes pot for her glaucoma, to the bodybuilder with steroids who's missing the balls to commit terrorist acts. Literally. This would be like searching the cavities of every person who wants to get on a bus. Because you never know when a bomb might be hiding on some random colon.

You know that guy who's so afraid of microbes, has terribles acute agoraphobia and a personality disorder that makes him incredibly shy and a little hostile when he's talking to people, who seems almost autistic, so he locks himself up in his house, draws the shades and never goes out because he worries too much about everything? Yeah, first name United, surname States.

An American politician helped finance the purchase of t-shirts for the army. All very nice, until the soldiers put them on, and they melted on them from the heat, causing serious burns.

Am I the only one who thinks dropping a few boxes of these little bastards for enemy combatants could be a sweet gesture of good will? At least for ten minutes?

This gives brand new controversial meaning to the phrase "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen".

Boomm. I think I have fluids in my lungs, and they're cola.

Increase tourism revenue

2007-10-14T15:32:00.000-03:00

A teaching assistant who gave her children pot had to quit her job. According to her, she did it so that the children would not have to turn to street dealers and enter dangerous environments.

Ok, what's up with schools? Sex and drugs all around? What the hell was I doing in high school? Oh, right, I was watching TV. Damn. Somebody could've given me a little heads up.

We here at Boomm were able to obtain anonymous comment from a drug dealer, who said that "the danger associated with my profession is simply a prejudice... and if that bitch starts selling on my turf, she's going down".

Looks like surveys are my bread and butter. And for whatever reason, every other interesting news is about sex. Anyway, according to a survey the women who hail from New Zealand are the most promiscuous in the world.

Whether it's true or not, promoting that information is definitely one way to increase tourism revenue.

Boomm. I know where I'm going on vacation next year.

Sexually active

2007-10-14T13:51:00.000-03:00

A former music teacher was accused of having sex with a 17 year old student, and of course, was arrested.

Remember when they arrested people for homicide, or armed robbery, or fraud and stuff like that; instead of having sex with 17 year olds? Yeah, the good old days.

All this came up because, according to the authorties, the school principal "was informed" about the teacher sleeping with the student. Now, who the hell was the jealous snitch is another story.

People who went, go, or want to go to universities, conduct studies. That's what they do, to justify their existence when they can't perform a productive occupation. Well, one of those studies recently found a connection between verbal abuse from teachers and authority figures at an early age, and the probabilities of girls becoming sexually active before 14. This means that if the little kindergarten teacher yells at the girl, when she hits ninth grade she'll lift her self esteem along with her skirt. Ok, yeah, I admit there's a trend in theme today.

My message to the professionals of the educational community has changed: keep up the good work, guys.

According to a new poll 64% of Americans claims to spend more time with their personal computer than their significant other (I hate that term).

Meanwhile, their significant others are cheating on them with 36% of the country.

Boomm. The previous message was "choke on a barbed poisoned apple".

Toilet paper

2007-10-10T12:20:00.000-03:00

Toilet paper is a controversial issue. Not because some freaks want to marry it, or because it's been abusing foreign citizens during wartime, or because there's an epidemic of obesity among the rolls (pun totally intended). Actually, it's because some woman with whom I could never have a civilized conversation was overcharged at a Kmart that collected taxes on the paper, which is completely and utterly non-taxable. Obviously, dudes, come on. It's common knowledge.

According to law, the ~~crazy lady~~ consumer's advocate can sue for the amount of damages, which is 28 cents, or 100 dollars. Whichever makes her feel more righteous. You know how much toilet paper 100 dollars can buy? Well, it really depends on whether they tax it or not, huh?

My take on the subject: I don't give a shit.

Boomm. I'm relating everything to zombies today.

For that European satellite to help me

2007-10-09T10:47:00.000-03:00

A European satellite has been checking out how much ozone there is over Antarctica, to give the scientific community statistics they can use to see whether they can get more funding from interest groups that benefit from causing unnecessary panic amongst poorly informed people. That's not in the article, it was subtext.

It seems this year the hole in the ozone layer is not as terrible as last year, indicating among other things that they should stop screwing with me because if it changes so much from year to year in a decade we might be suffocating on ozone. Anyway, I think it's still big enough for that European satellite to help me find the keys I lost a while ago.

Speaking of which, did you know you can make ozone in a laboratory?

Boomm. You've gotte plug it in, duh.

Beat up

2007-10-06T12:15:00.000-03:00

A Valentine's Day Card.

Boomm. Pretty cool, huh?

What headlines really mean

2007-10-05T11:23:00.000-03:00

Landslide homeowners angry: city knew (CBS News): of course the alternative would be to evacuate every time a pidgeon urinates, and I doubt that's gonna make them happy.

School reverses on showing of Al Gore climate change film (Fox News): excellent, may I suggest some Kubrick instead?

1200 trapped, 2000 freed at mine (CNN): ok, ok, nobody panic, everybody was checked so they wouldn't steal any gold.

North Korea's Kim: no heart disease, no diabetes (USA Today): Bush wants him to meet with Castro, "to see if he catches something".

New security tape shows Di's last night (CBS News): oh, if only she'd been evacuated when that pidgeon pooped on her, we'd still have... uhm, I don't know, her precious royal nose?

Boomm. Some of this is mean even for me.

Easy to influence

2007-10-02T10:49:00.000-03:00

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. He's been lonely lately.

There's no question she's really annoying

2007-10-01T11:50:00.000-03:00

The List Universe website has published its list of the 10 most evil women in the history of humanity, including serial killers and other perverted murderers. All men who read it wonder why their ex girlfriends weren't included.

Next time some feminist says that with women in power there'd be no more wars, we must remember to mention countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary. From her noble position she brutally tortured and killed hundreds of girls. The countess. I doubt Hillary Clinton will be up to par, but there's no question she's really annoying.

A man recently released after being sentenced for secretly videotaping women, is suing the police department for not returning his massive porn collection, which was confiscated during the investigation.

And how is he supposed to stop committing his own deeds if he's not allowed a substitute? That's not nice at all.

In case he doesn't get any of his stuff back... that's one police auction I do not want to go to.

Boomm. I could sleep for days and still feel tired.

Got some fame

2007-09-29T15:27:00.000-03:00

A Venezuelan man was pronounced dead after a car accident. The problem is he woke up the moment they started cutting his head open during the autopsy.

Now I understand why the Orthodox Jews tend to be so negative about these things.

Women have always been the cause of battle. From Helen to Hillary, thousands of ships have been launched and the occasional law suit as well. In Georgia, a man with no arms got into a fight with another guy, and head-butted him to death. Turns out a woman had gotten together with the gentleman of extremely absent extremities after having left the other guy, who if lucky won't wake up in the middle of the autopsy.

One can only assume that the woman's very romantical reasons may be connected to the fact that nature has a tendency to... compensate. What's missing in one place may not be in another, far more attractive one.

This gentleman of extremely absent extremities got some fame working as an artistic paintor, using his feet. So, he's got zero arms, he's a recognized artist, and he's killed a man. Great. I've got two arms and a blog. Feeling a little inadequate here.

Boomm. You don't believe in "false hope", how about "counterfeit" then?

Just in case

2007-09-27T13:05:00.000-03:00

A New York museum will be displaying never before seen letters written by one Mr. Vincent van Gogh to some other guy whose name I'm not cultured enough to remember. In them, he discusses everything from the challenges of outdoors painting and windy times, to sex as a distraction that should be avoided.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and never send another letter in my life. You know, just in case.

I wonder, one hundred years from now, will we be able to read Bush's e-mails? Because I promise I'll stay healthy and in shape just so I can live long enough to see that. And count the smiley faces.

Boomm. Scary stuff, huh?

End up committed

2007-09-25T13:54:00.000-03:00

It's been a while since they arrested OJ Simpson again, but I didn't say antyhing because I couldn't think of anythng to say. The wait is over. As you may know, the most innocent murderer of all time was arrested for the armed robbery of memorabilia that according to him was his property, and not owned by the salesman friend of his who had it.

Also known as the most self centered robbery since that guy who stabbed another one to remove the kidney he had donated to him.

Londoners want to prove to the international community that they still have manners, whether above ground or underwater. A record attempt took place over there: the world's largest formal submarine dinner party. I could not care less if it was successful.

These records annoy me. I understand things like the longest novel, or the tallest totem pole, or even the damndest tiniest cell phone. But not things like that, that nobody ever really does. People don't usually stack bowling balls, or fill their mouths with cigarettes, or talk fast just for the sake of talking fast, or have formal dinner parties underwater. Hell, next time I'm in the mood for setting a record, I'll just be "the Jorge who spent the longest time in front of a computer without working sitting on a chair and wearing socks with holes on them". I'm the best at that.

The Etch-A-Sketch is a toy. A small device that thanks to the power of magnets allows the creation of rudimentary images on its surface. A gentleman uses it as a means to express his art, reproducing classic pieces. On the little toy. His work has been exibited in galleries and museums.

I start doing something like that and end up committed.

The guy says his work is "a quintessential American art form, where the medium truly is the message". I say the Etch-A-Sketch was invented by some European dude. And I didn't quite get the message.

Boomm. One, two, three, four, I don't know what this blog's for...

Steal from the ATM machine

2007-09-22T16:25:00.000-03:00

A 59 year old man will be playing college football for a Texan university.

Also known as the last thing he'll ever do. I say bury him in the field.

Britney Spears is in bad shape. And salt is salty. She had to use an ab-definer spray during her performance at the MTV Music Awards.

Had I had some, I'd have sprayed it in my eyes. Maybe I would've had a better time watching the show.

Is it a sign of the impending apocalypse that I've lowered myself to mocking Miss Spears? Nah, just a slow news day.

A Turkish man broke into a bank (pictured) to steal from the ATM machine, but got tired trying to get to the cash, so he fell asleep and was found by a cleaner.

Who said crime doesn't sleep? And just in case I've made that joke before, here's another take on the matter: I suggest for his next heist, the guy kills two birds with one stone and tries to rob a matress store.

Boomm. A very shallow thing to write.

The Silent Guardian

2007-09-21T12:22:00.000-03:00

The US has once again delayed the date set to put Iraqi authorities in control of their own freaking country. You know, because it's all still a mess.

But wait, maybe I'm judging this too harshly. Sometimes delays can be good things, right? Like when the train is running late and you never make it to work; or your watch says twelve o'clock so you get out of bed like a mad man, but turns out you still have four hours to sleep, even if your heart is racing; when a multimillion dollar film's release date is postponed, always a good sign; or when your teenage daughter's period is late. Best of lucks, Iraq.

Staying on the subject of the US and its military projects, they have a pain box now. They call it the Silent Guardian (because it's you the one screaming), and it causes unbearable pain to anybody within its... pain range, I guess. It's meant as a non-lethal way to make people run away.

So this is a legal thing, a machine created for the sole and express purpose of causing pain? I guess it makes sense, as long as prostitution and pot are still criminal offenses, of course.

Now, I'm not sure what they mean by non-lethal. After all, a pencil in the wrong hands and through the right part of a person's eye is very much lethal. And those things were designed for writing, not making people scream in agony. At the very least, if somebody drops that box on your head, you're dead.

Ok, I had heard about this. The owners of a dry cleaning shop lost a pair of pants and were sued for tens of millions of dollars. For pants. Trousers. That which covers the lower half of a body, and costs not nearly as much. Hell, what if somebody loses a car? Stocks will go down. Anyway, the guys had to close their shop.

The asshole; I'm sorry, plaintiff; said that the "satisfaction guaranteed" and "same day service" signs displayed where misleading. Well, none of them said "pants won't go missing", right? Perhaps the asshole; sorry, plaintiff; looked like a guy who'd be satisfied without pants, so they lost them. Probably in the same day.

Boomm. I know, I'm kinda pissed today.

What headlines really mean

2007-09-18T11:44:00.000-03:00

Zimbabwe parliament debates Mugabe succession bill (UK Guardian): Africa doesn't care about keeping democracy, they have nothing for the US to steal.

Iraq to review status of foreign security firms (UK Guardian): they'll probably fire a couple mercenaries and buy a tank or something.

Survivors of bus wreck return to Ohio (CBS News): by plane.

Iraqi ministers back Blackwater shutdown (CNN): one mercenary company down... hey, there's enough money for more than one tank already.

First a new regime, then American reform (Washington Times): Castro is not cold yet, but the US has started making plans for when they own Cuba.

Boomm. Gone fishing.

Reina Alonso

2007-09-17T11:56:00.000-03:00

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. How very soap operatic.

All that much

2007-09-14T12:12:00.000-03:00

Yeah, I was in school for fourteen years. That doesn't really happen all that much.

Boomm. Dressed to chill.

Boomm recommends

2007-09-13T11:58:00.000-03:00

The Alcohol Breath Tester.

People who drink too much shouldn't drive. The days they drink too much, of course, other days are okay. Well, I should've said "nights" instead of "days", I come off like a total drunk. But it's too late for corrections. As you can see, I'm writing this in a complete and almost irreparable state of inebriation. But sir, you may ask, how can you be so sure you're drunk? Can't it be you were hit over the head and you just dreamed of liquor and women slapping you because of indecent proposals? Isn't there a possibility that you're hallucinating and dizzy over the fumes from some massive paint work in the proximity? Well no, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks to this conveniente Alcohol Breath Tester shaped like a pen, I'm sure of my blood alcohol levels. And trust me: they're wonderfully excessive. If I cut myself and light a match, I'll start a forest fire.

Many times one thinks perhaps one is too drunk to drive, or conceive children, or get a tattoo, or vote, or murder somebody and get away with it. That is why the geniuses behind the Clock pen, the Candy Dispenser pen and the Pencil pen have invented the Alcohol Breath Tester pen. A discreet device that allows you to find out whether you're over the legal limit, and also write embarassing notes! Wait, they're telling me something... what? It doesn't write? No? Crazy stuff. It's no good for writing, people. But what it does... what the hell? What does it do? Uhm... okay. Well, besides measuring alcoholic emissions, it also measures ultraviolet rays. That way you avoid harmful sunlight. Which you won't mind all that much if you're drunk.

To make a long story short, if you drink, don't drive, but do buy the Alcohol Breath Tester. And if you don't drink... can you be sure? Sometimes drunks have blackouts. So you should buy the Alcohol Breath Tester too. There's no way out: to know whether you're inebriated, it's not enough to drink your own body weight and watch the room spin. You must have the wonderful Alcohol Breath Tester.

Boomm. As easy as finding Jessica Alba's number in the phone book.

Suicidal tendencies

2007-09-10T12:00:00.000-03:00

Western America is known for its entertainment industry, its historical cowboy roots and its religiously fanatic polygamy. Ok, that last one's not as prominent, but everybody knows it's there. The thing that's happening is that for men to go to heaven, they need at least three wives. At least. So there's a demographical issue, and young boys are driven out of the communities for horrible trespasses, such as watching movies. That way there are enough women to go around.

Also, they're not allowed to date girls, for example. Because that's not one of the most ironic things ever.

This expulsion is explained, as mentioned, because (in the words of a Utah state official) "if you're going to have plural marriage, you need fewer men". He failed to add "tons of booze, suicidal tendencies, selective deafness and an appropiately holy patience".

Boomm. Heaven... I'm in heaven...

Sex with another woman

2007-09-08T13:34:00.000-03:00

Five Texas strippers were arrested for violating statutes governing sexually oriented businesses. Those are the businesses you have to chain up at night, or they'll go off and make little businesses with each other.

We can only imagine what statutes governing sexually oriented businesses were violated. Probably things like not washing their hands after... going to the bathroom.

Driving in circles on the grass is not a good idea. Unless you're really drunk, in which case it seems like a good idea. A woman (pictured) was arrested for doing just that, and messing with the cops when they stopped her.

According to the officers, she was easily distracted, happy one moment then mad the next. In other words, a woman.

At one point, she tried to grab an officer's private parts. Once she calmed down, she tested three times the legal alcohol limit. Hold on, I need to make some quick calculations for when I go out with some girl. Carry the two...

A study conducted by a website came to the conclusion that one in four women are willing to have sex with another woman.

I can tell you right now, four in four men are satisfied with those odds.

Boomm. Follow the rabbit, Alice... I'm hungry.

From China

2007-09-06T12:58:00.000-03:00

China. Probably half the components in the machine you're using to read this come from China. So do some crazy anecdotes, like the one about the woman who cut off her husband's hand the other day. He'd promised he'd spend less time on the internet, and pay more attention to their newborn son. When this didn't happen, she cut off his right hand. You know, his mouse hand. Intelligent nutbag. The husband wants her to be released, because after all, he broke his promise. If that's not honor, I don't know what it is. Idiocy? Oh, yeah, right.

Yet another reason for people to believe me when I say I don't ever, ever, ever want to get married.

Before I forget, to the son of this lovely couple: good luck. Clap while you can.

Boomm. If you're happy and you know it...

I won't name

2007-09-04T16:25:00.000-03:00

Forbes has published its list of the 100 most powerful women in the world. Occupying the first spots are Angela Merkel, German chancellor; Wu Yi, Chinese vice premier and Ho Ching, a businesswoman from Singapur.

This proves my theory that the most powerful people are not known by anybody. They attack from the shadows.

Let it be on record that the Forbes list takes the term "powerful" as influential. Because if you lock up Angela Merkel, 53 years old and in worse shape than the Coliseum, in a room with a hungry chihuahua, she won't come out alive.

MSN decided to make its own list, but in this case of the sexiest women over 35.

Also known as "Yesterday's Bread Half Off". And no, there was no room for Angela Merkel.

A fan hugged Brad Pitt during the Venice Festival. There was a time when this was not news, you see, because famous people didn't... disintegrate if touched, or whatever.

Anyway, Mr. Pitt was not happy, because the girl managed to get passed a bunch of security gorillas that were around him. Of course, in the privacy of his hotel room he doesn't have a problem with the publicity this generated. God, even I want to see that movie that I won't name so I don't become a part of his evil psychological game.

Boomm. It's a Western.

Good vs bad

2007-09-02T13:47:00.000-03:00

Good news

According to a variety of polls and studies, most people admit to "cyberslack" while at work. That is, they waste some time relaxing by surfing the web and things like that. The best part is, I'm at work right now. I'm finally a statistic!

Bad news

There's evidence. It's official. I don't know how I missed this, but during a pageant, Miss South Carolina Teen USA was asked why she thought Americans were so bad at geography that most of them couldn't find their own country on a map. She answered that some poor Americans don't even have maps. And went on and on rambling about some very funny things. Now she says she was nervous. I say there's no longer a debate: hot educated girls cannot and will not ever be as smart as the ugly educated ones. Nature provides balance.

Boomm. Does the sun have an off switch?

They wouldn't have gone

2007-09-01T00:11:00.000-03:00

President Bush (the one from the United States, in case you've just woken up from a coma) has a variety of meetings scheduled to discuss the progress of the situation in Iraq. That little place where they sent a bunch of soldiers to bring democracy. Whether the people wanted it or not.

Important fellows within the armed forces are concerned because they think their resources are less than optimally assigned, and fear decreased recruiting. It seems a new and revolutionary study demonstrates that not too many people are intensely excited about the prospect of spending months at a time in a hostile place, where they're not welcome, they don't understand the culture, are far from their loved ones and kids blow up without warning.

The Government Accountability Office... wait, did I type that right? There is such a thing? Crazy stuff. Anyway, they say that at least 13 of the 18 goals they had for the situation in Iraq have not been met yet. Among them, having a Starbucks and/or McDonald's on every corner, building some corners, pillaging natural resources, establishing a stable administration, outsourcing everything to the citizens for 60 cents an hour, diminishing guerilla attacks, collaborating with urbanization efforts, saving the souls of the children through the love of Jesus and touching the public's hearts with images of the president playing baseball with the troops and the people in the first stadium of the country.

According to a lawsuit, three teenage girls were stripped and searched during a visit to a juvenile detention center. They had agreed to the visit in exchange for pleading guilty to a crime so small I don't even care to mention it. The thing is, had they known they were going to be stripped, they wouldn't have gone.

Others, had they known, would've taken a camera.

Boomm. I'd stay and chat, but I'd rather hit my head against any sort of wall.

Paper airplane

2007-08-29T20:37:00.000-03:00

A blind woman hit a hole in one (that's the best thing you can do with golf, other than not playing). It's the first time this happens in the recorded history of the sport.

They say that if you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, for a million years, they'll write some Shakespeare. Considering there is a United States Blind Golfers Association, somebody was going to get lucky eventually.

The craziest thing is that if the woman were able to see, she probably wouldn't even be able to get a paper airplane to fly into a trash can. Life is a weird little thing.

Boomm. Ch-ch-ch-changes... that stutter in no time.

What headlines really mean

2007-08-27T21:37:00.000-03:00

New section, new section! Since newspapers come out every day (crazy stuff, huh?), one reads the headlines to decide which articles might be of one's interest. Here at Boomm we just read the headlines, and draw our own conclusions about the content of the articles. This way, one can know a little about everything, never taking the word of those annoying sensationalist journalists. We've decided to share with our audience the important headlines of the day in bold, and by their side, our interpretation of them. Without reading the article, but knowing the world we live in. Hopefully you'll enjoy it.

Yahoo in China human rights case (BBC): the humanity of Yahoo's employees is questioned.

US seeks Colombian warlord (BBC): the presidential elections are coming up and you've got to get good candidates.

Iran resolves plutonium issues under atom pact: IAEA (Yahoo): soon, kaboom!

Hwacheon journal: Peace Dam still waits for the flood that never came (NY Times): reader, move on to another article because nobody knows where Hwacheon is and nothing interesting can come from something called Peace Dam, we had to fill space.

Barely in office, Ohio congressman can't quit running (NY Times): the thing is, in the polls, he's behind the missing Colombian warlord.

Boomm. Yes, I spent 11 hours working today and still updated!

It tasted lovely

2007-08-25T17:22:00.001-03:00

An Irish man has been accused of biting his girlfriend's pet snake in half during a fight. And commenting that it "tasted lovely".

This marks one of those rare exceptions, and few documented cases, of man biting a living snake first. I don't care what Greenpeace says, usually the snakes initiate conflicts.

Unfortunately, even if not surprisingly (damn Irish and their stereotypical behavior), the man had been drinking alcohol for several hours before all this stuff happened. Which means a lot of people I can't stand are going to be spreading information about how "alcohol consumption has been officially linked to live snake cravings".

The iPhone, Apple's latest useless gadget that offers nothing new other than the combined functions of other devices packaged in an uncomfortable and obscenely expensive little machine, is of course one of those things that doesn't work with just any company's products. This means that, for example, if you want to use the iPhone to make a phone call, you are required to use the services provided by a particular company, otherwise it won't work. Thanks to a 17 year old guy, this is no longer the case. He managed to make the iPhone work with just about anything, thus making it interesting to a different public that doesn't want to use the predetermined companies' services.

Considering these latest developments, I won a bet, because once again freedom of choice and information has defeated the terrible greed of the already too wealthy by means of, in this occasion, a single man's noble ingenuity. Also, hackers rule.

Boomm. It's okay, I'm not a doctor.

Gramps' Advice

2007-08-23T19:35:00.000-03:00

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Or so they'd have you believe. And by "they", I mean terrorists. And by "terrorists", I mean those who provoke terror in others for their own benefit. Not necessarily Arabs with bombs. I know, that wasn't politically correct. Not all Arabs use bombs, some like missiles or airplanes. Anyway, don't believe the hype about breakfast. Consider the word. Break and fast. You can't even have a proper breakfast without fasting first. And what constitutes fasting? The dictionary defines it as "quick". In which case, a quick breakfast would be completely appropriate. And then you have to... break it. As in "break bread", perhaps? In the end, a quick and humble portion of bread is more than enough breakfast. Etymologically speaking.

What I'm trying to say is, breakfast is not really the most important meal of the day. When I worked as a night guard in the World Bank, I had breakfast under the moon. That wasn't the most important meal of the day. It was just some bread. At night.

Don't trust old sayings, kids. They're misleading. Instead, trust what old people say. Like me. That'll get you through the day. Better than any breakfast ever could.

Gramps.

The name of "Dean"

2007-08-21T11:10:00.000-03:00

The coast of Mexico has been hit by a Category 5 hurricane which answers to the name of "Dean".

On a more positive note, the US Border Patrol has increased surveillance and stated it won't allow the storm to move further North.

Boomm. It's not a drill, silly, it's a simulation.

What they could get

2007-08-20T14:06:00.000-03:00

Efforts to get guns off the streets are not uncommon. In Orlando, police thought it'd be a good idea to exchange shoes for guns without asking any questions, and see what they could get. They got a missile launcher.

A man went and turned in a missile launcher, receiving as reward a pair of shoes. Because of course, what good is a missile launcher if your feet hurt from carrying it around?

Police also got over 250 guns off the streets with this initiative, giving out shoes or gift certificates for 50 dollars. Which takes us to the conclusion that yes, it is completely true that there are a whole lot of armed idiots out there.

Boomm. Clean as a clean whistle.

Lamest people in the universe

2007-08-17T09:51:00.000-03:00

Police are looking for a missing 15 year old boy scout from Ohio who never made it to one of the group's meetings. Because there's no reason at all for somebody to skip a boy scout meeting.

If any of you see him, tell him to get his ass back to Ohio, we don't want him around here! Wherever "here" may be, I guess.

But seriously, does anybody want a 15 year old boy scout back? He's gotta be one of the lamest people in the universe.

One of the world's biggest charities will no longer accept American food products. Here's what I could understand: America gives them a whole lot of food, which in turn the charity sells in the markets of poor countries, and uses the money to finance antipoverty programs. They sell food to poor people and use the money to help them not be poor anymore. So, the charity doesn't like this because it says the products compete with local African farmers. If these organizations were supervillains (and I'm sure a thesis could be written off of that premise alone), they'd just love to use overly complex traps in order to kill the hero. And fail. Miserably. You know, instead of shooting them in the head and get it over with.

For the love of all that is holy, just give poor people food already!

Boomm. He asked for her digits and she cut off a finger.

She loves animals

2007-08-15T19:19:00.000-03:00

A woman in Russia loves animals, and shelters stray cats in her apartment. She's up to 130 felines by now.

And about 200 neighbors with motive to commit justifiable homicide.

When I wanted to start an association of students for the right to pee, nobody joined me. Now in Chicago two students have initiated a lawsuit because a teacher didn't let them use the bathroom, so they were suspended for using it without permission.

Who said there's no spirit of rebellion left in the world's youth? Take that, status quo!

The principal of the school said he's insisted all students get access to the bathroom when they need it. They're also going to cut down on the cavity searches for concealed weapons, they're going to allow the use of sharp pencils, and they're not going to confiscate absolutely everything the students carry in their pockets. Oh, and if it turns out there's a fire or a medical emergency, they may let them use a phone. But there are no guarantees.

Boomm. Those kids are awesome.

Crime rates

2007-08-13T16:32:00.000-03:00

Thai cops who break rules (an awesome title for just about anything) will be forced to wear Hello Kitty armbands. This is supposed to shame them in such a way that offenses won't be repeated. Man, these guys sure have no sense of humor if a Hello Kitty armband is shameful.

What is a bit shameful, however, is being arrested by a cop wearing a Hello Kitty armband. Yeah, I say put them on the street and see crime rates drop.

Cats are eating more and exercising less. Cats are becoming fatter and fatter. Cats are getting diabetes.

And this is a problem because we're not eating cats. Come on, let's end world hunger, have a cat for dinner today.

A Catholic priest was charged with indecent exposure after being arrested for jogging naked.

According to him, he sweats a lot if he wears clothing while jogging. Also, his penis is not readily available in case of spontaneous molestation opportunities.

Granted, the guy was out running before sunrise, so he wouldn't be seen. The officer who arrested him said the priest covered himself with a piece of clothing when he shined his flashlight at him. Ok, men, show of hands: you see a naked 53 year old man running, do you shine a flashlight at him? Do you? Really, that's what you wanna see before breakfast?

Boomm. You're not wasting time, I am.

A particular road

2007-08-11T20:35:00.000-03:00

The owner of a stolen boat rented a plane to locate his property from the sky. When he found out it had been spotted being towed down a particular road, he turned to aviation, and aviation came through.

So, what have we learned, future boat burglars? Just put a tarp on the damn thing and save yourselves a lot of trouble.

And now it's looking like we not only have to be submerged in money to buy our own boat, but also have enough budget to rent a plane if we want to keep our vessels safe. Yeah, I think I'll stay home.

Boomm. Paper napkins are still paper.

Boomm recommends

2007-08-09T17:23:00.000-03:00

The Inflatable Spa.

There's a very thin line between being obscenely wealthy, and actually just enjoying the privileges of an obscenely wealthy person. And that line is inflatable. The Inflatable Spa! Now you don't have to spend the equivalent of a small African nation's yearly GNP in order to relax after a hard day's work doing whatever kind of menial task nobody wants to do and that requires little qualification: you can just grab 900 dollars and inflate your own hot tub.

For use both indoors and outdoors, the Inflatable Spa is the solution to all your life's problems. Or at least those that can be solved by soaking in hot water for a while. Also, if the grass on your lawn is too spiky, maybe you'll want to mow that nasty bastard raw before setting up shop. Just a tip. And clip your nails. No eating allowed, reckless biting might cause irreparable damage to the Inflatable Spa. Other than that, go to town.

The Inflatable Spa comes courtesy of the brilliant minds at Inflatable Inc., who've previously bettered the world with other inventions full of air, such as the Inflatable Pizza Oven, the Inflatable Coffee Pot, the Inflatable Pin Cushion and the Inflatable Dartboard. Purchase your Inflatable Spa now, and they'll throw in an inflatable ball free of charge. Which is not their invention, but still, hours of fun.

Suitable for ages 16 and up, the Inflatable Spa may facilitate teen pregnancy.

Boomm. Pump away.

Pocky is people!

2007-08-07T11:43:00.000-03:00

Pocky is people!

Boomm. Forbidden access error.

It's a liquor store

2007-08-05T18:54:00.000-03:00

Picture this: you're a mother in a hurry, and you leave your baby in the car while you run home to get an umbrella. Your car is stolen, baby included. You call the police, they find the car a couple of blocks away. And you feel awful after having left the poor little baby unprotected.

Then you're accused of negligence and may end up in jail. Because it's not enough trauma that somebody kidnapped your baby. I'm guessing the next time I'm in a liquor store while it's being robbed, I can be institutionalized for suicidal behavior. After all, it's a liquor store, it's bound to be robbed.

The cops found the car because the thief ditched it when he realized it came with a childish surprise. But they didn't find the thief. There's a word for that, what was it, what was it... oh, yeah. Negligence.

They're going to start requiring drug tests from kids who want to participate in extracurricular activities in schools in Utah.

Finally, they've noticed that if students want to play tuba in the school's band, or break their necks playing football, they must be high as hell.

Boomm. Here's looking at you, kid.

The labels of Aquafina

2007-08-03T20:43:00.000-03:00

A scientific study came to the conclusion that family and friends are factors that contribute to obesity. This means that he who is surrounded by fat people, will probably gain weight too.

Now, come on, all together: a man's obesity is known by the company he keeps.

PepsiCo Inc. is making public via the labels of Aquafina, that that bottled water is made from tap water, unlike others that come from... "springs".

This revelation comes at a time when shocking discoveries are being made around the world. We recently found out that people are made from sperm and eggs, ketchup is made with tomato flavoring, stainless steel pots are made of steel and the moon is not cheese. My life's crumbling down.

A man admitted he was in another's farm, molesting the cows. One of the few excuses I never want to use.

He was caught by an employee, who chased after him when the man started running. I'm not sure, but I don't think he made it very far with his pants around his ankles.

The wife and daughters of the owner of the farm got mad because they were called "cows".

Boomm. I want my own holiday.

I could use a couple

2007-08-02T17:07:00.000-03:00

They're going to start making the famous DeLorean again, which many may remember for its presence in the Back to the Future movies.

I fear this might be the beginning of another sequel to that very popular saga. But it's also understandable, there are lots of things no longer made, that people miss: abaci, computers the size of a bedroom, vinyl records, typewriters, anvils, carriages, sundials, etcetera. Oh, slaves. That's a good one, I could use a couple.

The owner of a car dealership killed two employees for asking pay raises. I think the employees knew they were going to have to work extra to sell DeLoreans, which for some reason have not been in production for 25 years, and they wanted to start getting payed in advance.

You see why you have to settle for what you've got? I've got to remember this story for when people come asking for stuff.

It's a shame the man didn't hire a professional assassin to kill the employees, spending what he would've on pay raises. That way I could make another joke. Damn homicidal maniacs without a sense of irony.

Boomm. A vital blorgan.

The Egg's Q & A

2007-07-29T14:56:00.000-03:00

How do you waste away during the long days of summer?

Fried, if I go in the sun.

When does school start in Georgetown?

Who told you it hasn't started already? If I were you, I'd be worrying over all the school days I've missed. Yeah, I got confirmation. You're gonna have to make up the year because of poor assistance. Pity!

Where can I get the movie Little Darlings with Tatum O'Neil... other than eBay?

If you had said Little Darlings with Courtney Cummings, I'd lend it to you myself. Anyway, I'm sure you're trying to trick me into promoting some P2P service for cybernetic piracy, so Boomm is shut down and I'm left without a forum through which to help people. Shame on you, shame.

As I understand it, the one starring Tatum O'Neil is about a couple of 15 year old girls competing over losing their virginity. Either way, shame, you should be ashamed. Or you can mail me again with your phone number and we can talk about this.

Can you help me write a resume?

In order to write a proper resume, one mus include all of one's personal contact information, all of one's preparation in theory, practice and profession, lie by exaggerating about experience; and then throw the whole thing away because nobody's gonna hire you, so why bother.

Where can I buy original Meccano?

In the intersection of Nostalgia Street and You're Not Getting Your Childhood Back Avenue, there's a toy store called "Your Infancy Is Irrelevant". They may have some there. If I were you I'd wait for Meccano: The Movie to be released. I'm sure they'll make a collector's edition.

The Egg.

90 year old

2007-07-26T13:33:00.000-03:00

A 90 year old man, pictured, was arrested for indecency at a Cincinnati park.

Apparently he displayed his old portions by raising the leg of his shorts, and he's also accused of touching an undercover officer. I'm so envious, making it to nine decades and still have that much energy.

The man pled guilty, and was sentenced to six months probation. He was barred from all parks in Hamilton County. Probably making him emigrate to the park that's closest to me.

Bonus detail: Dickman. His name is Dickman. Joke amongst yourselves.

Boomm. I'm thinking about getting some plants for this place.

Courtesy of the same scholars

2007-07-24T17:00:00.000-03:00

The scientists of the world are busy improving our quality of life. And watching baseball games. Looks like they've already figured out the natural mechanisms that help some players bat better than others, locking their eyes on the ball. Yes, the ball.

This eye locking thing is important so players can distinguish a strike from a ball, or a fast ball from a curve ball. Again, balls. The study is about the human ability to track the movement of objects. So far, nobody's thought about studying the human ability to track the movement of ideas. Or maybe the results are not optimistic enough to warrant publication. Until then, balls.

The study comes courtesy of the same scholars who deciphered the most efficient way of consuming ice cream, how to scratch that difficult to reach portion of a person's back, analyzed the technique of professional bilboquet champions, and discovered the details behind the inner workings of boomerangs.

Thanks to everybody who came over from That's My Answer!, and excellent human being Indigo for sending you this way. Like sheep to the slaughter. Only nicer. I hope you stick around. There are exciting things in the horizon. Ok, I'm talking about a cute brunette walking down the street. See? No more misdirecting, promise.

Boomm. Must... stop... looking for Cloverfield/Slusho websites...

Jihad, anybody?

2007-07-22T14:30:00.000-03:00

A teenager was arrested for cruelty against animals, after stealing a tortoise named Bob and torturing it. No, the Tortoise Torture session is not available on Youtube, stop looking. Altough that's a great title for almost anything.

Bob was recovered thanks to an anonymous phone call that indicated where the torturer had left him, a call that will enter history as one of the most important informants of the XXI century. The tortoise is being treated at Turtle Dreams, a rehabilitation center (no, I'm not kidding). If his stable condition continues without infections, he'll be fine. But of course, there's no hurry.

Even though Bob's family were happy when they heard about the arrest, they should know that most likely, the torturing adolescent will soon be released. By work of god. Because...

That's what gods do. A marine believes the grace of god was the reason behind the favorable verdict that let him avoid a long sentence for kidnapping and conspiring to kill an Iraqi civilian. The other members of his squad pled guilty, but this one backed out, went to trial and left walking with reduced rank.

Jihad, anybody? Come on, they're asking for it.

We all get angry. And some of us run over old ladies with shopping carts while we wait in line at the checkout, and leave without paying. That's what one impatient man did, pictured, in the town of Somers. Worry not, he's already been arrested.

My proposal: instead of ten items or less checkout lines, and all the other ones; let's split lines into "senior citizens", and all the other ones. Consumers will save time, and supermarkets will sell more in a single day. Trust me, that's the way to speed things up.

Boomm. Keep refrigerated.

Common in the US

2007-07-21T10:25:00.000-03:00

255 Palestinian prisoners were released by Israel, in an effort to make some president I've never heard of look good.

So that's why here in Argentina we hardly ever arrest anybody? That... that makes sense.

A dead body was found in the wheel well of an airplane. Ok, that happens often, but it happened recently, which means it's news.

It's not clear where the man gained access to the plane, because the whole world doesn't follow security procedures common in the US. You know, you can have water with you on most international flights and stuff like that.

What the airlines don't want to advertise however, is that they were testing a cheaper "third world refugee wannabe" class. It didn't go well.

Boomm. Just a misdemeanor.

Gramps' Advice

2007-07-18T17:32:00.000-03:00

There was a time when I taught. I mean, I was a teacher. Yeah, you don't believe me? I'd go from Monday through Friday to a school, and talked to a classroom full of young men and women. And they listened to me. It was great, because I had their confirmed attention, not like you whom I don't know whether you're reading me or leaving the blog on as a screensaver.

Around the corner of this school, there was a man who made a living selling little collectable cards with images and facts about athletes. And the kids went crazy trying to get them all, they spent any money they could find. It was no longer a harmless passion, it became a troublesome addiction. Which is pretty ironic, because in those days another teacher at the school was doing as much opium as people listen to pop music. Sometimes he sang under the effects of the opium. Although he didn't recommend it.

Turns out that when it was exam time, the kids addicted to the little collectable cards (they could tell you by heart the middle names of the entire soccer team that came in second in the 1979 National Tournament of Mongolia), got worse grades than a cat in swim class. And my opium doing friend worked as well as any other. Except for the days when he opium sang, he got a little lost those days.

What I mean is, you don't have a something abuse problem, until the use of that something affects your daily life. And yes, I was my opium doing friend. I think. I'm not sure, those were confusing times. Was it a school or a shoelace factory run by pygmies? Wait. Yeah, just forget I ever told this story.

Gramps.

I'm so gassy!

2007-07-16T20:11:00.000-03:00

Boomm. Gassy is the new classy?

Boomm(erchandising)

2007-07-14T20:15:00.001-03:00

Because being real all the time is a bit boring, isn't it?

Boomm. Knock twice for "yes", once for "wait for the second knock".

Other companies

2007-07-12T17:26:00.000-03:00

John Mackey, the co-founder of a very big company used to go online, and under a pseudonym post on the Yahoo! forums, bashing other companies and flattering his own. His secret identity came out after some lawsuit too boring to discuss here.

With this in mind, in order to save myself the future embarrassment; because, come on, I'm totally getting sued in a couple decades; I have a confession to make. Gramps is actually computer generated. I know, I know, he looks real, and writes like a real person. But he's not. A lightning hit my old Playstation and suddently it had the personality of an old senile guy. The rest is history.

Wal-Mart is going to start pressing charges on younger shoplifters, after a change in company policy. Now it won't be enough to be 16 years young to get away from the relentless clutches of justice.

So that's how they keep their prices so low... The ugly side of the bargain bin. Heh, I should submit that to a headlines contest or something.

Anyway, I say that we should give Wal-Mart a taste of their own medicine: next time a Wal-Mart employee steals from you, don't call his parents, just kick the crap out of him.

A Chinese man whose body was cut in two at the waist by a truck over ten years ago, is now able to walk again, thanks to little bionic legs. Really cute tiny bionic legs. People, it's official. The future is now.

I hope nobody gets any ideas, and signs up this guy to give lectures in elementary schools about looking both ways before crossing a street. Because with kids, the only lesson they're gonna learn is "get run over by a truck and exchange your silly human legs for super metallic limbs of robotic destruction". Dude, he's even wearing sneakers.

Boomm. If the blog's rockin', I'm probably mockin'.

Equal rights for robots

2007-07-10T16:33:00.000-03:00

Equal rights for robots.

Boomm. If Earth needs repopulation, baby... I'd think twice.

Feel the love

2007-07-08T18:56:00.000-03:00

Getting along with family can be very difficult. Just ask the police in Kentucky, who determined a mother and her son effectively killed each other. He shot her multiple times, and she defended herself putting a bullet in his head. Can you feel the love, people?

The mayor of the town gave this exclusive statement to Boomm: "It's all good, it's all good, they're both dead and can't be charged with anything, so the crime rate isn't going to get any higher... awesome, right?".

Now, if only we could get Paris Hilton and Oprah Winfrey to follow these brave individuals' example and pull a couple triggers simultaneously.

And yet another crazy family is doing some crazy things, this time in Canada. A seven year old girl who will likely become infertile due to a genetic condition will also have the choice of using her own mother's frozen eggs to carry a child. It's an act of motherly altruism. A creepy, creepy act of motherly altruism.

Psychologists all over the continent are already buying yachts and mansions with the money they're sure to make in a few short years.

Boomm. Foolproven.

Only one

2007-07-06T14:29:00.000-03:00

A British woman entered a cake-baking contest, and was happy to come in second place. Then she found out she had been the only person to participate.

The lady comes second to nobody, the contest guys have only one entry... it's a loser fest!

Now, the following is not a joke, it's lifted from the article. Eleven years ago, the very same woman entered a different baking contest and came third. Again, she was the only entry. I feel so good about myself right now.

Sumatran tigers are endangered, and they can't even get a break within protected areas. One of them lost a paw to a snare in a national park.

No word yet on where that damn glass slipper ended up.

The deeper you go down in the ocean, the freakier crap you find. Seriously, throw a rock and you'll hit a weird fish that might not even be a fish. This time, we have the privilege of discovering some sort of octopus with squid characteristics, or vice versa. The aptly dubbed octosquid, which could be a new animal species.

I'm still waiting for the elusive chickencow and its delicious promise.

Boomm. It's what's for dinner.

They took pictures

2007-07-04T18:27:00.000-03:00

The police is doing its job in Tampa. They even arrested people after raiding an alleged prostitution ring. And fortunately for me, they took pictures.

I'd like to use this opportunity to thank the Tampa police for adding evidence to my thesis that seeks to prove that anything can be attractive. So attractive, that it even gets payed. Judging by the images, an abused poodle does stand a chance at becoming the representative of a multinational cosmetics line.

As part of their srvice to the community, authorities are arming citizens with official information to help target repeat offenders. Hence the mugshots. Of prostitutes. How about some of the guy that's gonna shoot me for my shoes, or the one selling crack to my niece, or the other one that pretends to be a pizza delivery boy and then rapes you? No, nothing on those gentlemen? Okay. At least we're safe from those dangerous prostitutes.

Boomm. Don't drink the tap water here.

Gramps' Advice

2007-07-02T13:29:00.000-03:00

I've been nominated for "Most Disconcerting Senior Citizen on the Internet" by some popular technology/information/entertainment company. I think they get paid by the slash. If you wonder who the other nominees are, good luck finding them, becase I don't appreciate the competition and there's no way I'm going to give them free publicity. Also, I can't even remember which website did the nominating, think the nominees fared any better?

This award could be just the thing I need to keep my books from sliding down the shelf. Or perhaps get the ladies excited about my presence. No, scratch that, I really need to keep my books under control, the ladies can wait.

I wonder how they decide which senior citizens on the internet are the most disconcerting... Do they get together, read and see which one makes the least sense to them? Perhaps we're actually geniuses, with opinions beyond the comprehension of average human minds. Or maybe the arthritis causes enough typos to render any text a succession of random words. I always make sure to dictate. Sometimes I fail to make sure there's someone in the room taking dictation.

Anyway, I'll probably lose. It's impossible I'm the most disconcerting of them all. Right? Oh, yeah, there should be some sort of advice for the young ones here. Uhm. I don't know. Vote for me and help my books?

Gramps.

Support groups

2007-06-30T13:42:00.000-03:00

A frontier barrier between the US and Mexico is in trouble. Designed to keep cars from crossing into the United States, apparently it was built on Mexican soil.

Mexicans want their soil back, and this is going to cost the Northern government over three million dollars to fix. I guess after having immigrants build everything for decades, they just forgot how to measure things. Next time get a Mexican to do the job right.

Lightning strike survivors have an annual world conference. This means, every year, people who have been struck by lightning get together and talk. Sometimes about the weather, but with uncanny passion.

I wonder how many of them are religious? Because those are in trouble.

They also collect funds for support groups and future meetings by recharging batteries with their bare hands.

Boomm. If I go to hell for this, the murderers are gonna give me a hard time.

The artists

2007-06-28T22:28:00.000-03:00

A woman accused by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) of pirating music, is suing that organization for abusive tactics that according to her were employed trying to get her to pay, such as threatening to interrogate her ten year old daughter.

When the woman denied the charges, she was told she had to pay at least four thousand dollars, or she'd be financially ruined. And then they want us to feel bad about the artists that lose a few cents a year, and the middlemen that keep making the same money or even more, whatever's illegally downloaded or not. That's what I call... uhm, "justice"?

Eventually an RIAA expert determined the woman's computer had not been used to commit the unlawful act. So they're not just pretending to be innocent victims, they also end up accusing people who didn't even download anything. When 52% of 18 year old Americans are already sharing audio through the internet. I don't know whether to qualify them of condemnable or just plain stupid by now.

Boomm. Cannibalism is a lifestyle... so is being food.

Class time

2007-06-27T14:14:00.000-03:00

A six year old Afghan boy went to the authorities when members of the Taliban gave him a vest armed with a bomb, to be activated near Americans. According to him, he was told that by pushing a button, the vest would spray flowers. Why an Afghan boy would want to go around the world spraying flowers, is still a blurry detail of the story.

People who know, or at least talk, are condemning this act as a crime of war, even though the Taliban denies it ever happened. Anyway, considering the price of condoms in Afghanistan, and how strict the religious laws are... one could see this whole thing as a case of very, very delayed birth control.

The city of San Francisco is saving money, making the water services look good, and pretending to be interested in the environment, all at the same time. Turns out government workers will no longer have bottled water available, because it's no better than awesome tap water, it generates pollution, and it's much more expensive. They had already previously banned plastic shopping bags in supermarkets.

The next step is to ban the use of private vehicles, and eventually even public transportation. Then you have to fine people for every pound of garbage they make. Oh, and in a few years abandon San Francisco when it becomes a ghost city, instead of just a more unbearably annoying city.

Being a US school is difficult. If students don't do well, teachers are transfered and they "restructure". This appears to be happening in many schools, because demands over students can be a bit extreme, combined with current reality.

Anyway, the big problem is that restructuring doesn't tend to improve the performance of students. Unless it includes less class time; more practice and less theory; a decent prize for a job well done, or some monetary reward; more comfort, I mean, asking permission to go to the bathroom should not be a requirement in this century; flexible scheduling for the youthful with nocturnal inclinations; interesting subjects, because it's more useful knowing how to fire a handgun when you're being mugged than explaining the criminal what prime numbers are... well, you see where I'm going with this.

Boomm. As bohemian as a toaster.

2007-06-24T15:35:00.000-03:00

Dear author of Boomm:

Oh, it's so thrilling to be making contact with you! I've been following your blog for years and I read it every hour!

I agree with everything you say! The guy who invented boat Viagra is crazy, he should be locked up! It makes no sense, why would they want an erect boat. Totally crazy, you're right. And the Loquacious Porcine rocks. I always imagine his voice, it must be kind of high. Like a squeal, right? Balloons are the best thing about parties, I think the same!

I bought myself a piggy to keept at home, but he won't talk. I don't know what to do. I bought him books, everything, but he won't say anything. What can I do?

Well, that's it... I wanted to tell you that I love everything you write, and that I can't wait for every new post. Nobody understands me like Boomm does! Finally I know I'm not totally crazy, my psychiatrist was wrong giving me so many pills.

Many kisses!

Little Big Econolockahatchee River Refugee (my friends call me Eco)

Dear Eco:

I'm very glad that you read what I write so many times, or that you hallucinate I update more often than every couple of days. It's always flattering to be the object of a hallucination. Even if multiple homicides have been justified that way. The creator of boat Viagra lost hundreds of thousands of dollars with his invention, but he also became famous for discovering that boats have a circulatory system. Now they're protected, like panda bears.

The Loquacious Porcine says hi. He wanted to reply himself, with a recording so you could hear his voice, but he's touring India. He got confused, thought he was sacred, and got way too excited. Actually, I have no idea how the Porcine speaks. I'll find out eventually.

I want you to know that I also agree with you. Your psychiatrist was wrong giving you that many pills. He probably should've had you committed. Of course, somewhere with internet access so you could read Boomm.

Boomm. Informatically disoriented.

Unattractive hagfish

2007-06-22T13:51:00.000-03:00

I thought we had stopped giving criminals funny nicknames. I was wrong. The FBI is looking for the Ponytail Bandit, a woman who is wanted for robbing several banks.

Based on a few surveillance shots, she's described as a thin white female in her 20s with blue eyes and shoulder length blond hair. And she steals massive amounts of money. Is this what love feels like?

She's been often spotted wearing a baseball cap. So, Miss Bandit, if you're reading this, I can get you a free Boomm cap to wear. You can probably use the money, I mean, you're still robbing banks, not retired in the Caribbean. E-mail me and we'll talk.

Apparently, hagfish are disgustingly ugly. Unprecedentedly repulsive. Slimy serpents who feed on rotting fish violating their orifices. And even if people don't like looking at them, they love a hot plate of hagfish for dinner.

There's no catch limits for poor unattractive hagfish, unlike other more traditional meals, so fishermen are stocking up. Right now they're not in any immediate danger, but experts are concerned because hagfish don't reproduce quickly. And well... who can blame them?

Boomm. Annoying little blog, ain't it?

His mother

2007-06-20T12:32:00.000-03:00

Actress Julia Roberts has given birth to her third child, a boy. Her publicist says the entire family is doing great.

Little Henry was born on Monday, weighing 8 and a half pounds, mostly mouth and teeth.

Relatives say they hope the baby takes after his mother. Stinking rich.

A man was arrested and charged with theft, after receiving eight lap dances and refusing to pay the stripper.

Please, somebody let me know the police requested to see "the body of evidence". Come on, don't tell me they wasted that opportunity.

Boomm. Windows killed my dog.

You're reading this

2007-06-18T15:03:00.000-03:00

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

William James

So, you know, if you're reading this... you kind of failed at that.

Boomm. A freaking love machine.

A metaphor

2007-06-14T16:59:00.000-03:00

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. An acquired taste.

Boat

2007-06-14T15:03:00.000-03:00

Bad idea # 11.806.164: boat Viagra.

Boomm. Spicy, baby.

My homework

2007-06-12T19:32:00.000-03:00

Looks like the old dog excuse no longer works. At least in Belgium. A businessman turned down a Nigerian who was trying to find work, because he said that his dog is racist and tends to attack people of darker skin. So, he was just protecting the Nigerian.

I'd like to nominate "my dog is racist" for the most creative variation of "my dog ate my homework" ever since "my dog is incontinent, I can't wait in line".

Now you know why I don't have pets. They discriminate. Crazy thing is for all I know, the Belgian's dog was black.

Boomm. You say cannibalism, I say dinner.

Boomm(erchandising)

2007-06-10T22:43:00.000-03:00

Dazzle men not with false charms, but true honesty. And yes, next week I'll start selling padding too.

Boomm. Roll credits.

Sufficient strength

2007-06-08T19:15:00.000-03:00

Doctors have a sense of humor too. A funny one wrote about a new video game related disorder he deemed "wiiitis", and suffered after playing simulated tennis on his Nintendo Wii for several hours. It's good to know people have the time. Apparently, the movements players have to make with the controller cause strain on certain muscles, if practiced without moderation.

Now you know it. Give lazy guys, such as the doc or the one writing, anything that actually requires any sort of energy consumption on our part, and we will injure ourselves one way or another. There's no escape. It's a miracle we can lift the remote, or even type with sufficient strength to press the keys. I'm not denouncing or complaining, it's just a harmless fact. Perhaps even an unrecognized talent.

If sports video games are like this in the present, I don't want to imagine how games about killing zombies or rescuing hostages might be like in the future. I'm off to buy kevlar and aspirin.

Boomm. The fabrication of a fallible foreigner.

Hat and long fangs

2007-06-06T12:11:00.000-03:00

London police got scientific. I mean, supersticious. I mean, more stupid than we're used to. Now they're going to increase the number of officers on the streets, but only on full moon nights. Because some inspector looked at a calendar and a few files and came to the completely logical conclusion that people get restless during full moons.

In between werewolf jokes and how the moon exerts a gravitational pull on people because we have so much water, nobody said what's most likely: with a full moon there's more light at night, and therefore a greater activity of those who were not blessed with nocturnal vision. But well, until someone let's the cops know, I'm sure they'll carry rabbit's feet, four leaf clovers and if budget allows, a silver bullet here or there. Which leads straight to...

Monsters! Demons! Robbers! It must be hard to get a job if you're so sensitive to sunlight. A couple was attacked by two people suspected of robbery, one of whom had a large hat and long fangs.

Authorities assume it was a disguise, but just in case they're having wooden nightsticks made.

A Romanian prisoner got tired of being surrounded by men, and decided to pay his girlfriend a visit. He escaped from a work camp, and was found in her house eight hours later. For this adventure five years were added to his sentence.

This is more evidence that women motivate most crime. I'll finish my thesis any moment now.

I always had a problem with penalizing a prison escape. I mean, those behind bars don't sign a contract or anything, or we wouldn't need bars, guards, guns, perimeters, alarms, dogs, lights, helicopters and all that stuff. So there is a completely understandable expectation that a person deprived of their freedom will try to get it back. It's the job of the authorities to prevent that from happening. One could argue that the added sentence is another means by which escape is prevented, nobody wants to spend extra time in prison. But five years for eight hours seems a little bit excessive, specially if someone is following one of the most natural impulses in existence, which is to be free. If we keep going this way, every high school student will be expelled for falling asleep in class. Thousands of arrests for browsing a book at a bookstore. Death pentalty for laughing when somebody falls down! Chaos, it'll be chaos, I tell you.

Boomm. I am responsible for this blog, not the freaking world, okay?

Gramps' Advice

2007-06-04T19:09:00.000-03:00

I'm tired of being the only senior citizen in the public eye who doesn't do completely anachronistic things, like swimming with sharks or driving race cars or acting in romantic scenes with almost teenage actresses. This is why I've taken the determination of parachuting. Not for the entertainment of my audience, but to imitate content, which is a much nobler purpose. Nobody cares about the effect of an action, what's important is that it's a popular action.

Some may wonder why parachuting, and not trying to use a computer, or run a marathon, or remember the previous day's events. Well, the reason is purely promotional. Since I was alive during both world wars, and a few more, the publicity will be able to concentrate on how "the one who saw the military skydivers in all their glory finally realizes his dream of experiencing in his own flesh the magnificence of free falling". In reality, I've never seen a military skydiver, I spent that time fishing and working as a disc jokey. The closest I came to seeing a military skydiver was when my cousin licked a bright colored frog he found in the yard and jumped off his house roof.

So, before I embark on this exciting adventure that doesn't excite me at all, and that you will probably never witness because this blog has less content than a dime bag of cocaine, let me impart some of that old wisdom you love reading so much. Always assuming you're laughing with me. Where I'm going is, it's wise to imitate the behavior of other successful people, as long as you get a convenient excuse so that it doesn't look like you're imitating them. I won over my first wife pretending I had a heart attack when I saw her tending to her sick uncle. I think it was a fetish, because we got divorced when she found out I had no cardiac problems. Get it? But I don't know if that applies to the case, it's a matter of the heart.

Gramps.

Boomm recommends

2007-06-02T15:29:00.000-03:00

The Walk On Water Ball.

Finally, it has arrived! Your chance to feel what that guy Jesus felt while he was walking on water. Minus the giant inflatable ball around you. People have been trying different means of enjoyable floatation for milennia, and it is only now that we come to the realization of humanity's purpose: the Walk On Water Ball.

With this wonderful product, you'll be able to encase yourself within a giant inflatable ball that will float on water. But that's not all. Thanks to its special outer surface, you'll also be able to move on the water as you move in the ball. The joys of a hamster's life, combined with knowing you won't be flushed down the toilet by someone's little brother. And on water. No, I'm not smoking crack, I'm talking about the Walk On Water Ball. Or as I like to call it, "the giant ball that lets you walk on water, kind of".

The Walk On Water Ball was developed after the relative failure of the Walk On Water Cube, which was rather turbulent. The Walk On Water Pyramid caused severe ocular injuries, but allowed the manufacturers to make both Jesus jokes and talk about an eye for an eye in the same sentence. The Walk On Water Carpet didn't work, so it was renamed the Sink In Water Carpet and sold to rich senile people.

You're hereby warned that the Walk On Water Ball is not a life-saving device. At least it's not designed as one, but if it does save somebody's life, I'm sure the makers will be happy to take the credit. Anyway, who doesn't want to float in a giant ball? I'd give my life for one, but for a mere 410 dollars, anyone can have their own! No wonder they didn't take my life, I was still a little short. Not the point though. Get your Walk On Water Ball today, and... well, walk on water inside a giant ball. Walk on the ball, which is on the water. There we go.

Boomm. Who wants to write the Boomm theme song?

Good vs bad

2007-05-31T14:55:00.000-03:00

Good news

Burglars broke into a couple's home and took not only traditional valuable objects, but the ashes of the couple's dead infant son. No, I'm not being morbid. I'm seeing an opportunity: if burglars are indeed distracted by ashes, we can sell full ashtrays as a security measure. I estimate I'll make my first million within the first year, what do you think?

Bad news

Google Maps is taking over the streets. Looks like the plan is not just to let bored people have fun searching their own rooftops, but to let them have fun watching images of every public space Google can take pictures of. That means soon there will be an entire community dedicated only to collecting the funniest and weirdest snapshots of people and things. And that I will be the unwitting protagonist of many moments to remember, from tripping over myself on the sidewalk to doing a little dance while listening to Everlast on the street before realizing everybody is staring at me. Finally, I'll become internet famous. Unfortunately, for all the wrong reasons.

Boomm. It's free, don't complain about the quality.

Interested in partaking

2007-05-29T16:51:00.000-03:00

I found an outdoors activity in which I'm interested in partaking.

Boomm. Gonna need better glasses...

Stuff like fireworks

2007-05-27T14:31:00.000-03:00

Coming soon, on Boomm!

2008 will be the most innovative year for this humble blog, which has grown so much in such a short period of time. Actually, it hasn't grown that much, and the reason for this is a very simple one: lack of funds. That is why our engineers, publicists, executives, proctologists, voice actors, accountants and apiarists are hard at work finding new and exciting ways to raise capital in order to bring you, the audience, a better entertainment and information experience. Because all this isn't free, you know. Well, this is, obviously, but not what could be here. Stuff like fireworks and collectable keychains.

Soon you'll be able to collaborate with Boomm, always getting something in exchange for your money. You want the original products of Boomm(erchandising)? You got it! You want the chance to advertise on the site's main page, uncensored? You got it! You want us to write your name in neon lights on the moon? You got it! You want us to write a contract so you can sell your soul to the devil? You got it!

And of course, the proceeds of these various services will go directly into improving the "Boomm experience". I'm thinking about getting a bigger place, buying a giant flatscreen, drinking good liquor and traveling more often. Uhm... which would relax me, and I can write better. Yeah. Right.

Boomm. A "gateway" blog.

Old dust bag

2007-05-25T15:13:00.000-03:00

There's a whole website (what a shocker) dedicated to sharing information regarding the location of speed traps, those handy little portions of road where police are actually paying attention every once in a while. This way drivers can slow down below the legal limit when they pass, and then move on with their life of risk and consequence free endangerment of fellow man.

With this in mind, I'm thinking about starting similar services for different victimless crimes. Perhaps a forum where not only can people avoid speed traps, but find ways to cheat on their partners and keep it a secret, steal from shops and museums avoiding the security cameras, exchange clean urine for random drug tests, or even the best spots in town for body dumps.

Anyway, what's the hurry? A couple centuries ago you went as fast as horses dragged your carriage. By the time we get teleportation, people will be complaining they can't just go back in time.

An old German lady kept her savings inside a vacuum cleaner dust bag. A new maid saw this old dust bag, and threw it out. The lady had to call the trash collection service, which went beyond the call of duty to help the crazy pensioner, and managed to find the bag.

I'm speechless. The older humans get, the more confident we become that treating our valuables like trash is going to keep them safe. However, we never stop to think about how safe trash actually is. If you accidentally throw something out, you don't sigh in relief thinking "man, good thing it's in the garbage and I can get it back any time". Sure, there's crime and criminals that practice it, but come on... in the trash? Under the matress? In our socks? Next time I need some change for the bus I'll have to regurgitate it.

Boomm. A public service.

Half the bureaucratic apparatus

2007-05-23T19:32:00.000-03:00

A man crashed his truck through a liquor store wall, when his prosthetic leg got stuck between the accelerator and the break pedal.

That's how every parking spot for the handicapped are born.

It's one of the few occasions when the media can't blame alcohol for the evils of the world. After all, it was the greatest victim.

Never lose anything in an airport, specially a Spanish one. Turns out every six months, airports in Spain auction off everything left behind intentionally or not by people. From books to clothes and musical instruments.

The proceeds go to the Development Ministry, which when questioned by Boomm, denied stealing from the population through this practice. It helps that there are no official numbers, although a nearly sober friend of mine estimated last night while dancing bare-naked on the balcony, that they finance half the bureaucratic apparatus this way. They didn't answer me either when I asked* if in the case of finding a bomb, they sell it as well. Looks like they're hiding something.

*This blog is not responsible for the statements or true identity of the delirious homeless men and women interviewed.

Boomm. Journalism at its thinnest.

Boomm(erchandising)

2007-05-21T20:32:00.000-03:00

So you don't have to verbally warn people every single time you turn around.

Boomm. That restraining order doesn't apply.

Three intended targets

2007-05-20T17:02:00.000-03:00

A 12 year old boy was arrested in Long Island after posting his plans to open fire in his school on June 15 on social website MySpace, and even specified three intended targets.

I know what you're thinking and no, he was not protected by any satire laws, even when he stated it was just a joke. So, in order to test exactly what constitutes a potential threat to authorities, I'm trying to raise funds for my future division of Boomm(erchandising) to produce a collection of t-shirts geared towards that precise purpose. The clothes will read, among other legends: "I sell crack to children", "While you're talking to me, my friend is stealing your car", "Keep an eye on your wallet or it'll end up in my pocket", "Under this shirt there's a bomb" and "I don't kill women, I just dismember them and keep them in my walls". Wear them when they become available, see whether or not you get arrested, and let me know. In the name of science.

I'm just glad to know that stupid kids have to wait almost a month to get a gun in Long Island. Don't you feel safer now?

Boomm. Open your mouth and drink the coffee.

I don't get it

2007-05-17T15:37:00.000-03:00

I don't get it, where do I put my other foot?

Boomm. Apply gentle suction.

Terrorists started salivating

2007-05-15T19:45:00.000-03:00

Here at Boomm we embrace culture. That is why today we celebrate the 89th anniversary of the establishment of the first air mail route in the United States. After long hardships and careful preparation, people were able to send their fetish magazines, threatening letters, proof of life and pervasive advertising via airplane.

And baby terrorists started salivating.

Boomm. Clean and healthy perversion.

Half a million books

2007-05-15T19:37:00.000-03:00

There's a huge floating bookstore touring around Japan. No, it's not a gigantic anime monster, it's a really old boat owned by a charity organization.

The boat carries about half a million books and 350 volunteers from more than 50 countries. Nobody knows what the hell the other person is saying, but they sure have a lot of fun onboard. After all, they don't even get payed for the privilege.

Actually, a whole ship as a bookstore sounds pretty cool. Until you realize the life jackets are for customers only.

Boomm. I have other occupations, you know.

Similar to fish

2007-05-13T19:21:00.000-03:00

Finally! It's already available in the darker streets, methamphetamine flavored like candy, chocolate and strawberry. An impressive technological progress. I guess we'll have to blame the culinary industry, with its multiple flavors, right? Because we have to blame somebody indirectly related by vague connections.

Authorities are concerned this new product will tempt children to start using meth, a highly harmful and addictive drug, at an even younger age. I argue this way we'll be able to tell who's screwed up as kids already, and save ourselves some time, but I'm not an elect official or anything.

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical labs are interviewing drug dealers trying to find somebody to imrpove the reputation of prescribed drugs a little bit; which leave a taste in your mouth similar to putrefact fish swimming in their own filth for Plutonian decades. And are not nearly as addictive as would be convenient.

Boomm. My mouse is itchy.

The underwear

2007-05-11T19:30:00.000-03:00

A man robbed a grocery store, with his face covered by women's underwear. Blue underwear, if you care about that, perverts. The cashier thought it was a joke, so he didn't give him anything, and the man left, and was arrested later.

Actually, it wasn't as much a robbery as an allegory. The underwear symbolized the way women blind men's wise judgement with their sensual charms. Or it was the first thing he could find to cover his face with.

But there's more evidence of an artistic statement instead of a crime: the man threatened the cashier with a lighter shaped like a gun. Giving new meaning to the phrase "open fire".

Boomm. Earning street cred, one dead homeless guy at a time.

For immobile use only

2007-05-09T20:27:00.000-03:00

Us young men enjoy activities that we consider fun. Every now and again, we like to ride a couch while it's being towed by a truck through the field. That's what three guys were doing last weekend, but something went wrong and one of them ended up so screwed up he needed a helicopter to make it to the hospital on time.

Soon couch manufacturers are going to start labeling their products with warnings such as "Unfit to ride while towed at high speed" or "For immobile use only".

The sheriff said it was something the young men did ritually every year, not having suffered any accidents in the past. She did not confirm whether alcohol was involved, but if that were the case, alcohol could be sentenced to a long time in prison, considering its participation in millions of previous crimes and accidents. The defense will probably argue that you can't blame an inanimate non sentient liquid for the acts of men, but it's a strategy that's doomed to fail.

Boomm. With love... and a little bit of resentment.

Among the debris

2007-05-06T18:31:00.000-03:00

A couple bought a house, that came with a few bats in the attic. No big deal, according to an inspector. A few months later, they find over ton and a half of bat guano up there. Lovely, huh?

Well, at least they know that's a pretty good attic. I mean, holy shit, it can resist some impressive weight.

Greensburg, a small Kansas town, was devastated by a tornado not long ago. Rescue teams continue searching for survivors among the debris.

President Bush declared part of Kansas a disaster area, after the hostile weather it endured, making people wonder what parts of the world aren't disaster areas.

Most structures collapsed, including all the churches. However, one of the few buildings to remain standing was a tavern. And tornados are acts of god, or that's what insurance people say, right? So, what message could the big guy be trying to give us? Come on, think with me. Could be very important. Or just an excuse to get drunk on Sunday mornings.

Boomm. Not so much a parody, as a mistake.

Good vs bad

2007-05-06T17:32:00.000-03:00

Good news

A man called the police and said there was a bomb in a school. The same man had called earlier to warn them about a bomb in another building, and both turned out to be false alarms. Already identified, he could spend several years in jail. Of course, he would also spend several years in prison if he had actually planted bombs. If this is the new criminal trend, we can expect delinquents will give us a call before mugging us or raping our women. See, we're a little safer every day.

Bad news

Ohio police arrested a man suspected of robbing a bank, in a salon. Having bright orange colored hair, the robber wanted to change it in order to avoid the authorities. Now, this time he didn't succeed, but let's think this through: our hair salons are facilitating crime. Soon, other commercial branches will join this revolution. Elevator technicians, journalists, grocery store owners, our own neighbors. And even if they call ahead of time to warn us, we won't be safe anywhere.

Boomm. Never last to finish, often not even starting.

Suspected of burglary

2007-05-03T18:47:00.000-03:00

American schools are banning digital devices all over the place. Any gadget capable of storing data in any way, no longer has the right to be present in a classroom. I guess books and notepads and things like that are exempt. Not so much mp3 players and cell phones.

Professors and administrators of educational institutions are extremely excited over this tendency, joyous that these creepy modern digital devices are joining the rest of things academically banned; like baseball caps, dignity, chewing gum, creativity, radios, independent thought, sensible judgement and intellectual dissidence.

A man suspected of burglary was arrested when police found him asleep in the basement of one of the houses he robbed.

What lesson have we learned? If we're going to steal sleeping pills, let's not ingest them in the middle of the scene of the crime.

Police also found other objects on the thief's person, which did not belong to the owners of the house where he was arrested, making him a possible responsible of other crimes. Or, well, maybe the burglar has earthly possessions of his own, right?

Boomm. A necessary eventuality.