Possess fabrics

A Singapore man was sentenced to a day in jail and a $7,500 fine for wearing a bikini on an elevator. I'm pretty sure they'd have cut him some slack had it been a beach.

He admitted to the charges of "outraging the modesty" of the woman he shared the elevator with, and "fraudulent possession of women's underwear". I'd add he outraged the aesthetic integrity of the poor lady. Also, "fraudulent possession of underwear"? What is that, like thong piracy? Is Victoria's Secret getting all MPAA on Singapore?

A search of the man's apartment (they're searching his apartment, this is priceless) turned up more underwear and some obscene films. I'm thinking something like Fantastic Four and anything with Sandra Bullock in the lead.

His lawyer argued he'd been badly affected by his parents' divorce. Ok, let me get this straight, Singapore. We don't mind disgracing the sanctity of marriage with divorce, but god forbid any modesty is outraged and men possess fabrics in the shape of panties? Now I'm gonna argue I'm being badly affected by a completely incoherent policy towards stupid and irrelevant issues. Then again, I've been doing that on this blog for the last two years...

Boomm. Was it good for you?

Some changes

I want to have a little chat with the editor of my life, and talk about some changes...

Boomm. I'm not phoning it in, promise.

Beaten by his wife

A few eight graders thought it'd be fun to imitate an MTV prank, and feed their classmates laxative laced doughnuts. Some had to be sent to the hospital for treatment.

This is more evidence in favor of my theory that states Ashton Kutcher is a piece of shit.

It also has inspired yet another thought I'd like to toss out there, and perhaps the people who get paid to administrate all matters educational will pay a little attention. How about, before teaching kids about imaginary numbers and crappy connections between law and ethics, we get them first to understand that it's not cool to poison people for fun? I'm just saying.

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Somebody's been getting extra credits. A school was billed for $250 worth of porn that was ordered via a cable box after hours. That's like one movie a day for the whole month.

The cable company withdrew the charges, because it was feeling generous or something. So, students, what lesson have we learned? Porn is free when you order from a school TV set.

Oh, and don't poison people.

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An Arab man lost a bit of his nose after being attacked by his two wives. Now, don't start thinking it was because the secret of his bigamy had been revealed. Over there everybody's got a few wives, You know, to get a better place in heaven or something. They attacked him because he made a joke about marrying a third woman.

Just confirming, I'm planning to stay single forever. I mean, come on. There's one of these every freaking day.

At least if they end up killing him, he'll get 72 virgins on the other side. Then again, if he couldn't handle just a couple... Wait, they're telling me the virgins are for martyrs and martyrs only. Well let me tell you, being an abused husband times two counts as martyrdom in my book.

Over here, if a man is beaten by his wife, we mock him over drinks. Does that mean in the Middle East he gets stoned to death or something?

Boomm. If this were the last blog on Earth, I'd take better care of it.

Proud PETA

PETA would be proud. Trout from a fish farm have been jumping 3 feet from the water, into a pipe that leads to sweet sweet freedom. Of course, once they're free, they're likely to be eaten by just about anything. However, since they were prisoners in a pond without much protection to begin with, it's better to die swimming upstream than to die... trapped in a little pond.

Let's face it, if they were able to, trout would keep us prisoners in dangerous environments just so they could eat us from time to time. But would we jump the equivalent of more than double twice our size, to reach a pipe? Probably not. Probably not.

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Cats are pretty smug. When people end up with snakes tied around their necks by accident, they have a tendency to freak out. Cats just walk around looking bored. This exact situation happened in Australia, where a cat named Jelly wandered around the yard and was not too emotional after becoming a snake's version of a public transportation system.

The cat seemed fine at first, but after one day she was found paralyzed and rushed to the vet. Where she's now being treated with some very expensive anti-venom and is expected to make a full recovery. Why the article mentions the anti-venom is expensive? Well, because they're using it on a cat. Next time something bites me, I bet that expensive anti-venom is gonna be all gone, or be even more expensive. Thanks a lot, Jelly.

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If you're a 19 year old guy with a bad driving record, you'll have to pay over $100,000 a year for insurance. This is Janson Towers's situation at the moment, and he's likely to ride a bike before he pays, or even affords, that much. In the few years he's had his license, it's been suspended twice, he's received multiple speeding tickets, and been involved in three crashes.

His family is not happy about this. Every pedestrian on the street is celebrating with champagne and caviar. Maybe some trout?

Boomm. I'm sure I turned it off...

Boomm(erchandising)

Baby's first snide remark.

Boomm. Baby's first acronym.

Don't knock it

Who said Germans were a disciplined bunch? A hairdresser found the top-secret plans for an important bank's safety vault in a trash bin. What the hell he was doing going through the trash, that's another question.

Just to keep the balance of the universe, since top secret information was in the trash, shouldn't we put some used bubble gum wrapper in a locked box or something? I don't want any philosophical notions to implode.

Also, next time you see me knee deep in somebody else's garbage, don't knock it.

The bank doesn't know how the plans made it out, but they believe it's impossible the vault be broken into. They believe in Santa Claus too. I'm just saying.

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A man was arrested after being discovered by the police inside a store's bathroom with a $700 fishing reel stuffed in his pants.

The police were called because a couple individuals were looking pretty suspicious. After the reel incident, drug paraphernalia was found in their car, and they were charged with possession of those very illegal and horrible, horrible items that allow people to "have a good time" and corrupt the young.

The guy with the reel was also charged with theft. Now tell me, how is it theft to have a fishing reel inside the store? Huh? Ok, sure, it was in his pants, but he never made it out. It's at worst assault against an inanimate object. Give the reel loving men a break already. They just want to find happiness in a sad little world.

Boomm. Every time a bell rings, I get a headache.

I'm still alive

The Elvis is Alive Museum has been sold. For $8,000 dollars. The exhibition includes photographs, books, FBI files, DNA reports and other stuff that suggests Elvis Presley never died. It's like a cheaper Catholic church with a better soundtrack.

Just in case you were wondering, I'm still alive for sure, and no, no museums yet. Still waiting on that one. Yeah. Maybe soon, I don't know... any volunteers? Really, don't be shy. Come on. Build me a little something.

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The Writers Guild of America, which has been on strike for almost a month, agreed not to picket the location where Elizabeth Taylor was holding a benefit for her aids foundation. She supports the guild, and didn't want to cross the picket line, so it was lowered in her honor.

You know what this means: support the writers or you're getting aids.

I've just been informed that's not how these things work.

Boomm. Gettin' ready for the holiday season.

All those gorillas

A pair of reintroduced gorillas have given birth to a baby in Gabon. Gabon is a whole country in Africa, populated by 1.5 million people who make up about 90% of humanity aware there is a country named Gabon. These two new parent gorillas were orphans, whose family was killed by hunters. They were rescued by a wildlife conservation group.

So, long story short, things are looking good for gorillas increasing their number. And gorilla sandwiches should be getting cheaper by the minute. Yum.

Apparently, a lot of people believe gorillas shouldn't have to spend their lives in a zoo if it's possible for them to go about their business freely in the wild. I've been in the wild for twenty years. Who do I talk to about getting a spot in a comfortable little zoo? I mean, with all those gorillas gone, there must be some space and budget they can throw my way, right?

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Chinese police will no longer arrest women for carrying condoms. What, you didn't know they did that? Neither did I, but it sure explains why they have overpopulation issues.

Condoms have always been viewed as evidence that the women carrying them practice the ancient business of prostitution. In China. A country that would ban pencils if anybody pointed out their phallic connotations. But since a bunch of people have been getting aids, the powers that be decided it's cool to have condoms. Or at least cool enough that you won't get arrested for having them. Much like pencils.

Now we can be relieved then: police around China have stopped using condoms as evidence. Whether they're using them as balloons or coing bags or whatever is a whole other story. And I'm not gonna investigate.

Also, in case you were wondering, Chinese police have the power to sentence suspects to two years in labour camps for minor offenses. And that's pretty much why everything plastic is made in China. Probably by prostitutes. Wait, I think I just got a bit confused...

Boomm. Remember, gorilla meat goes well with red wine.

In front of the cops

For some people, the perfect time to send in a guy to rob their uncle is while the 72 year old man is putting up his Christmas decorations. Of course, this happens in New York. Mostly. Yet like many other elderly heroes before him, the uncle fought off his robber with sheer will and a couple well placed punches after the criminal demanded money and jewelry while tearing down the decorations.

In a completely irrelevant, but rather symbolic statement, the detective in charge said "Jesus, Mary and the wise men all fell to the ground". According to the forensic unit, Joseph was left standing because he was a badass.

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A couple of teenagers robbed a Pizza Hut at knife point and run away. While one was picked up by police, the other decided, after having watched too much television, that it'd be a good idea to hide in a large trash container. Unfortunately, she was scooped up by the garbage truck, right in front of the cops.

Speaking of clichés, I sure hope nobody said anything like "that's one way to take out the trash". Because, come on, we can do better than that.

One very annoying psychologist commented that the teenage girl's choice of hiding spot spoke of a widespread self esteem problem among young women in the world.

Boomm. Not a WGA member.