I know it's been like a month since I last posted anything here, and I won't ignore the fact. This is not a cartoon, we can't just go on with our lives as if there'd been no interruptions, no changes, no writer's strike, no writer's block... yeah, that was the case. I was out of jokes. Mocking felt like a waste of time and energy. Fortunately, that's all gone now. What's true, however, is that my time is administered in such a way that I've decided to update only once a week. With a huge post. Just check it out below. It's like Ron Jeremy big. Yeah, baby. See you next week, people.
Cosmologists (aka: very specialized kind of scientists that study the whole freaking universe) believe that, if quantum theory is correct, we're shortening the lifespan of the universe simply by having been observing it. I won't go into quantum details because I still haven't even learned to ride a bycicle, but from what I could gather, the whole thing is a mix of "forbidden apple" meets "watched kettle never boils" meets "Schrodinger's zombie cat". If you got the zombie cat reference, you're my new best friend.
I'm officially nominating this for Most Arrogant Scientific Theory of the Year. I think it's eligible for the 2008 awards. Unless there's a scientific strike, of course.
This doesn't mean we can stop going on and on about global warming just because the whole universe is in peril now for a different, if hypothetical reason. After all, that heat's been making some real money lately. Even I'm thinking about cashing in selling some mini ovens shaped like the Earth.
Oh, and they've been measuring some other stuff. Seems that the universe has lost about one fifth of its entire mass. Tabloids are already speculating about eating disorders and drug addiction.
There's a town called Hell in Michigan. Not enough? A couple who lives there won the lottery. On Halloween.
Crime may not pay, but evil sure does.
Passengers and staff aboard a sinking cruise ship in the Antarctic were rescued from their lifeboats successfully. Apparently an "object" struck the ship's hull and then it all went to hell. Not the one in Michigan.
According to a British woman who was among the unfortunate, everybody was calm, and the captain kept them informed and comfortable. Yet some people still thought they were done for, and did crazy life altering things they'll probably regret: a man proposed to his girlfriend while on the lifeboat. Just imagine, getting through that ordeal alive only to have to get yourself a new identity once home to avoid the lady... such a shame.
A judge rejected an attempt by Wal Mart to block public access to certain court documents in a tax dispute. It was argued there is a public interest in mantaining those documents accessible to the public.
Ok, let's hear it. Public, are we interested in getting access to Wal Mart's tax related documents? Come on, who wants to go over the numbers? Question some deductions, come on, it'll be fun. No? Nobody, really? Yeah, the people have spoken. Or not so much.
In contrast, while we get to review Wal Mart's taxes at our leisure, we're not allowed even a glance of secret military technology. How's that fair? More importantly, how's that even remotely entertaining?
I could swear something exactly like this has already happened. I'm also too lazy to make any sort of pertinent search to back my claims. Anyway, a German thief who had stolen a car returned it when he realized there was a baby asleep in it. The father had made a quick stop at the bank, leaving the keys in the ignition and the mini-person all alone.
The latest in vehicle security: annoying children! Just keep a baby in your car round the clock and no self respecting criminal will want to deal with the troubles presented by disposing of a kid. It's just bad business. This is a million dollar idea. And we have babies to spare!
The US government... god, this is too much. Ok, the government is advising people to hide their old prescription drugs in pet droppings or used coffee grounds. That way they won't be abused by addicts. Seems to me we'll only get filthier addicts, but what do I know, I'm just some random guy.
Of course, the more dangerous drugs are to be flushed down the toilet. But environmentalists are worried about the effetcs on fish and amphibians. Apparently, the fish can take our crap, just not our drugs. Cause that's not healthy. We don't want a bunch of high dolphins, they set a bad example. Publicity crisis, anybody? The Japanese would sharpen their spears and look like the good guys. The horror.
The irony? The government must be on some serious drugs to come up with this stuff.
BOOMM RECOMMENDS:
The Cow Hide Rug.
As you may know, cows are nature's rugs. No? You didn't know that? Well then, prepare to be amazed by the sheer beauty, comfort, softness and stylish presence of the Cow Hide Rug. There's nothing less classy than an uncovered piece of floor. Be it wood, linoleum, marble or whatever else floors these days are made of, they're like your home's external genitalia: it is necessary to shield them from the casual observer, or people may be offended. Or worse, aroused.
What makes these Cow Hide Rugs so special, you may ask. Why shouldn't I just go out there, slaughter myself any cow I can find from the many eligible specimens in the streets, and make my own rug, save me a few dollars in the process. I'll tell you why. These particular rugs come from particular cows that hail from a particular place in the Southern Hemisphere of this our world: that place is a magical land of farmers and tango dancers I like to call "Argentina". It also happens to be my location of current residence, and former birth. And I can assure you, our cows make the best damn rugs the world has ever seen. Or felt. Really. They're like carpet cows. By the way, our horses also make some fine curtains. Just throwing that in the hat, seeing if somebody pulls it out.
The amazing thing is, these rugs are not just rugs. They have the power to make or break a room. Scientific polls conducted by scientists (while they're not predicting the end of the world/universe) have indicated Cow Hide Rugs play a definite role in the perception of an environment. Women are more likely to have sex on them than on bare floors, businessmen make higher offers in their presence, assassins are easily distracted by them and sometimes trip over them exposing themselves, and vegetarians are easy to spot and throw out by their expression of disgust in their sight.
In other words, it's pretty obvious by now that a room without a Cow Hide Rug, is a room in serious problems. A room who would attempt suicide were it alive. You don't want that for your rooms, do you? Then get your Cow Hide Rug today!
Boomm. True premise + true premise = funny conclusion.
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