Suspended from tournaments

A chess player was suspended from tournaments for ten years, after being caught using a device to get plays from a computer.

The World Federation of Chess bans the use of movile devices during play, if a cell phone rings the owner is automatically disqualified. The good news: they can still use anabolic steroids.

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John Edwards has officially announced his presidential candidacy. Well, if he's running, it's because he already knows he's going to win, right?

Oh, Edwards, with an S... why doesn't anybody clarify this stuff for me? They barely look alike.

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A woman was crushed by a dolphin that jumped on her boat, and is now in critical condition.

Let's consider this the first battle in the much anticipated world war between dolphins and humans. We'll win next time, and celebrate with tuna!

Or we can take the diplomatic road, and retroactively give Flipper an Oscar as a sign of good will.

Boomm. How do you know about my baboon heart?

No copyright

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. There shall be bacon on my keyboard.

Over Alaska

Most forecasts stated by people who know claim that the aurora lights, which currently shine over Alaska, will be moving to Siberia in the next 50 years. This has been caused by natural changes in the planet's magnetic pole.

Inhabitants of Alaska reportedly cannot imagine the place auroraless, but well, they are the Northern lights, Siberia is cold too... share the wealth, guys. I personally think they don't want to spend money on fireworks, and really, who can blame them.

Even though the forecasts indicate the lights' movement will continue towards Siberia, in reality there's no kind of certainty. They may go that way, the opposite way, or a whole other direction. Which does confirm the following: direction is to the lights, what opinion is to women.

Boomm. I know I could do better, but I'm holding out for sweeps.

Entire staff

The Loquacious Porcine says:

Boomm. It's never enough.

It's a disease

A former narcotics officer plans to launch a website describing ways to conceal drugs from the police. He says he favors the legalization of marijuana, and believes prisons are full of nonviolent offenders that put a strain on the system's resources.

Doesn't it make you warm inside to know that there are some recovering narcotics officers out there? See, it's a disease, and even though it can't be cured, it can be treated. He'd make a perfect spokesman for Narcotic Officers Anonymous (NOA).

While in his previous line of work, he made over 800 arrests, and seized over 50 vehicles and 500,000 dollars in cash and assets. Okay, I now have living example: it is possible to take so much from society, and still give some back. There's hope for the rest of us.

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The secret is out! The FBI has released the final pages of its classified files about John Lennon, which were kept from the public citing they could prompt "military retaliation". Among the shocking information contained in these documents is the revelation that Lennon "encouraged the belief that he holds revolutionary views (...) by the content of some of his songs".

Other FBI files recently published that were once thought to be cause for foreign retaliation: a study concerning whether or not New York has some of the best pizza in the world, intelligence that suggests the stingray that killed Steve Irwin may have been a secret agent, video footage of Neil Armstrong on the moon flipping off the Russians and genealogical research that implies George W. Bush is actually a member of the human species.

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A woman forged documents in order to meet with an inmate at a Baltimore prison and engage in good old fashioned sexual intercourse.

I told you I'd find evidence that most pornography is based on real events.

Boomm. Jorge and the Boomm Experience.

No refund

A family forgot a baby in a shopping cart at a store. There was no refund.

The event is not perceived by the police as child abandonment, only a misunderstanding. After all, the mother did say "leave no witnesses", so somebody messed up.

Boomm. Not specific.

Intimate situations

An Indonesian legislator will be questioned regarding the publication on the internet of a video depicting him engaging in intimate situations with a popular singer. Indonesia, a conservative country in matters of sex, is not precisely used to this kind of scandal.

Welcome, Asian friends, to the real world. We all defecate and copulate. Cheers!

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Rudolph would be proud. A couple of reindeer that were on display in England managed to escape and spend a few hours of freedom before being captured.

After the story broke, Santa Claus admitted that those reindeer unable to fly are sold to zoos or Asian restaurants, which generates a certain intranquility among the animals.

According to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, these should not be used for entertainment when it may cause distress or suffering. Applied this equation to humanity, everybody please, quit your jobs, leave school, escape from your family and get away from anything stressful. Come on, come on, what are you waiting for. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals says so.

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A nine year old girl sleepwalked and fell out her room's window, thirty feet above the ground. She suffered minor injuries after landing on an old carpet.

According to her parents, it's a miracle nothing more serious happened to her. According to this humble author, someone should check how many digits the poor girl's life insurance policy contemplates.

Boomm. Free for the masses, except you... yeah, you know who you are...

Sometimes people don't get the government they deserve

Fiji's army has taken control of the nation. A Commodore has announced he's seized the powers of the elected Prime Minister, exercizing specialties foreseen in the Constitution. This comes after military warnings, with the Commodore stating his opposition to legislations that he considers discriminate and harm a minority. Because sometimes people don't get the government they deserve, even though they've elected it under the shelter of modern representative democracy, completely infalible in its qualities.

The military threats were internationally condemned, and different countries and organizations carried out operations to prevent a possible illegitimate seize of power. Oh, right, sorry. Nobody did anything. But everybody's really outraged, ok. Let the record reflect.

With the Prime Minister and several other officials under house arrest, some protesters gathered outside the home in their support, to pray to a higher power, among other things, that these people (the military) be forgiven for their deeds. However, I think that in the state of the situation, if you have an army's firepower, there's not a very big necessity for forgiveness. But I don't know, I may be mistaken.

Boomm. Takes about six seconds to count its many virtues.

Waltz playing

Well, this is unusual, since I'm the proverbial web hermit (ok, I need to make up a web hermit proverb now), but I have been tagged by the lovely FRA from Good Girls Don't, and whatever she says, I do blindly. I'd do it deafly too, but I don't want to get greedy. Here's the whole shtick:

1) you have to start the meme off with listing “6 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME”.
2) People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly.
3) At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Easy, you think? Think again, buster, because I'm so incredibly normal that listing 6 weird things is going to be a grueling task. I'll let you be the judges.

Weird thing I: Every time I use a match to light a burner in my own kitchen, I put it out and toss it onto a little ashtray nearby, in such a fashion that most basketball players would be envious. Yes, I am the Michael Jordan of match tossing, and I toss every single one I use.

Weird thing II: I can't dance to any modern music. Take me to a club, and there better be comfortable sitting or a waltz playing. Anything else is too epileptic for both my taste and ability.

Weird thing III: I never start reading a book and then not finish it. It's a compulsion, a disease, and worst of all, sometimes a colossal waste of time and other resources. But for the love of everything that's holy, if I get through page one, I'll get through the whole thing even if I have to bite my lips, shake my head and utter curses after each nonsensical sentence.

Weird thing IV: I'm using Roman numerals. Cause, they rock.

Weird thing V: Heat is my enemy. Sure, summer's good with the little dresses and cooling off with a cold refreshing drink, but come on. I can't do anything if my ass is sweaty. Give me frostbite any day of the week, man.

Weird thing VI: Ok, let's think of a big one to finish this off. I am in possession of a phobia. Well, a couple, but one that's not my biggest pride. Organic things that buzz unnerve me intensely. That's right, those insects and whatnot. The buzzing sound is just incompatible with my internal audio system, and every time it's present, I need to find an exit. Not so much disgusted by bugs, as freaked out by living things that go "buzz" in the world.

There you go. Me, myself and I in all my glorious and sexy weirdness. I'd tag people, but unlike most bloggers out there (is that a bad term, like trekkie...?), I'm not all that interactive with the community. Till a later update, folks.

Boomm. Now you know I'm as beautiful as you thought.

Reader's mail: Mr. Galwak

Dear people who write Boomm, whomever you may be:

It has recently come to my attention somewhat of an oddity concerning the articles presented in this publication. Most don't seem to be serious and/or particularly sane. This lack of a balanced, logical view has prompted me to ask myself, is this blog a reliable source of information? Or is it the work of an internet user without excessive discernment and unrestricted access to the journalism of the world? Perhaps some sort of a parody?

Cases in point, currently available in the archives: an "interview" with an unnamed German driver who provides the writer with a "statement". I'm not convinced that interview ever took place. Then there's the recurring section titled Boomm Recommends, which strikes as the rantings of a babbling and tired salesman more than an actual recommendation or sponsor space. And as a final example, I recall a comment about purchasing stuffed Ethiopian lions as Christmas presents. That's just crazy, I know there's no way the writer makes enough money to go through with the intention.

So if I may ask, what exactly is going on here? Is the entire blog an encrypted message read by a terrorist cell somewhere near my home? If indeed it is, you don't need to tell everyone, just e-mail me a warning and I'll get out of your way, let you explode things far from me.

Thank you for your time.

Mr. Galwak.

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Dear Mr. Galwak:

Allow me to be the first to thank you for writing in with your concerns, the fact you took time to analyze every little aspect of this publication is very appreciated. As for Boomm's reliability as a source of information, I'll tell you this much: each word on this page, whether or not spelled correctly, is entirely true to available facts and scientific data collected with great care by all human means possible. So I wouldn't really swear by anything.

The interview with the heroic German driver did take place, only at a secret location, with a classified interviewer and an unnamed person at an undeclared time. I hope that relieves you of any doubts that may weigh upon your mind. The Boomm Recommends section is meant as a way to alert all readers who are also consumers (I estimate about 44%) about great products in the market that can better their lives immensely, even if they're worthless gadgets that showcase the worst consequeces of rampant capitalism in our times. And the Ethiopian lions, well... you're right. I can't afford them. Sorry, mom. I know you were excited. It'll be a very lionless Christmas this year in the Jorge household.

And to further let you relax, Mr. Galwak, I guarantee you this is in no way an encrypted message destined to a terrorist cell, anywhere close to your place of residence. However, I cannot take responsibility for the actions of any extremist organizations that read Boomm and then go on to commit horrible crimes against humanity. I can take pictures, but not responsibility.

In conclusion, sleep well knowing that no danger will come to you, and thank you for writing.

Boomm. Matters of the heart.

The fat man walks at midnight. Repeat. The fat man walks at midnight. Packages have been received. You have a green light to proceed, Predator. Proceed with operation as planned.

This and much more

Coming soon, on Boomm!

December brings a lot of surprises and innovations and news and a certain mysterious pain in the wallet, which I blame more than anything to the month's incredible natality rate between 1960 and 1990, guilty of the fact that too many of my friends celebrate the anniversary of their births only a few days apart.

An important announcement: there will be no interruption of posts, articles or sections during the holidays, both religious and secular, local and international! Pretty cool, huh?*

Getting ready to welcome the new year, we'll have available for your personal enjoyment, only this once at a remotely accessible price, the entire archives from the first day of publication! For free and in the comfort of your own home, you'll be able to explore Boomm's best moments in a fantastic retrospective, courtesy of our new sponsor, The University of Oriental Medicine and Basic Mechanics of Oregon.

Not enough? It's estimated the very expected lightning experiment will be ready for publication, with text, video footage, images and copies of the official police reports! As you may know (or not), I recently took a couple of weeks, to test out all the ways of attracting lightning to my body and analyze the results. Suffice it to say, I accumulated so much success, I now can plug in my computer directly into my... ear. Yeah. That.

Visit Boomm every day to see this and much more! I update every other day, but I wouldn't want to deny you the privilege of a daily even if repeated reading.

Oh, and the image up there is tanzanite, the birthstone of the current month. See, I do my homework.

*Except in the middle of the month, I've got finals.

Boomm. That's Special Agent Boomm to you, punk.